When you’re writing the book you’re not ready to write

I’m working on a book I first conceived of nearly 20 years ago. And it turns out I still don’t feel ready to write it. Here are some of the symptoms of that:

1. Procrastination. I spent a week doing nothing, telling myself maybe I should think of a different project to work on.

2. Distraction. Every morning, I think of new, VERY important pieces I must write which keep me from working on the thing I’m not ready to write. Also, the internet.

3. Telling myself it’s not good enough. This is also a reflex, I suspect, to protect myself from continuing to have to do hard work that doesn’t feel good because it takes a long time to produce something that’s worth working on.

4. Because I’m not good enough. This means in particular that I’ve been replaying conversations with my agent about other books that I failed to rework in a productive way. If I couldn’t write those books, what makes me think I can write this one, which is much harder?

5. Wondering if my main character is likeable. Because MCs have to be likeable, you know.

6. Reminding myself that no one will buy this book. It’s too experimental. It makes people think too hard. It talks about things people don’t want to have to think about.

7. Telling myself that I need to figure out what the climax of the book is going to be, even if I’m not writing that part yet. Because anything would be easier than trying to write the part that I’m supposed to be writing right now.

8. Getting up to get a snack. Then planning out lunch. And also my workout for the day. Anything that isn’t writing.

9. Wondering if I should use a different pov, someone who is more likeable. Less angry.  Also, a male pov. A nice, likeable white cis hetero male.

10. Telling myself that no one wants to read a scene like that so close to the beginning of a book. What are you thinking? It will make every reader put the book down.

11. Wondering if this is a young adult book (with a 13 year old pov) or an adult book or neither. Because no one will want to read this book.

12. Can I make this story less grim? It isn’t a dystopian, not really. Is it?

13. What is the happy ending to this story going to be? Does it have to have a happy ending? What about all those rules about readers wanting to feel like they’ve been on a journey that pays off for them?

14. Wondering where this twitch in my eye came from?

15. Thinking about taking the religion out of this book.

16. Trying to figure out who the good guys are.

If this series of excuses not to work on the book you’re not ready to write sounds familiar, join the club. And keep working on it anyway. Because the only way to be ready to write a hard book is to write it despite all your fears. Tell yourself it’s an experiment. Tell yourself you’re just playing around. Tell yourself you’re doing a hard thing and that you’re allowed to fail when you’re doing a hard thing. And then get back to work!