What Do You Want?

You may have noticed I haven’t blogged in a little over a week. At first I was on vacation as you might have seen by last Mondays post, as they don’t have cliffs where I live in central Indiana.

I had this great plan of blogging every day about my vacation and then just didn’t feel it. To be fair this wasn’t a vacation I wanted to go on or was looking forward too (long story) so I wasn’t super pumped about the week but I thought I could push through.

I couldn’t.

I didn’t want to fake it. Not for me, not for you.

I didn’t want to write about this great time I was having in Ireland when that just wasn’t the case. I pride myself on being authentic on this blog and pretending to have a good time when I wasn’t wouldn’t hold true.

So I took a break and just didn’t post.

In many ways that made me feel worse. I was upset I didn’t want to post and I felt very disconnected – the horrible Internet in the country (not the country of Ireland but the country, country part of Ireland) didn’t help because I wasn’t able to stay connected to my social network of friends. Which of course has me wondering if I’m too tied to the Internet (as if there is such a thing).

It wasn’t a fun feeling.

Then I got back and while I should have been excited to be back from a place I didn’t want to go, I just couldn’t motivate myself to jump back in to my blogging routine.

This vacation was depressing in a way. Not because the vacation itself was that bad but because of the realizations it gave me. Being away from everything and out of my comfort zone gave me time to think. Really think (which can be scary – at least in my head). I thought about what I’m doing and where I’m at in my life and if I’m really happy.

Because life is way too short to not be living it the way that makes you happy.

And I realized on my break that I’m not living life exactly the way I want to. I’m living the way I think I need to and making justifications on why I’m doing that.

And there is a big difference.

I do realize that we all can’t live perfect lives and there are things such as bills and my kids college education that is dependent on financial means. We all have those kinds of things to take care of in life and they are what helps to shape some of our choices.

At least mine anyway.

But at what point does fear start to dictate our choices instead of what we really want and need?

I need to decide what it is I really want.

Then write that shit down.

Then make a f*%$@#* plan.

And…

Work on it.

Every.

Single.

Day.

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