Every modern Doctor Who episode ranked from worst to best, part 1 of 4: “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

The Internet likes a good list, doesn’t it? A nice comprehensive, frivolous ranking of a beloved something or other?

All right then. Let’s do this. Let’s rank every episode of modern Doctor Who from worst to best in four weekly installments: “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” “Are these good episodes?”, “These episodes are cool,” and “Fantastic!”

I tried not to agonize over the exact rankings, because I wanted to be done this century, so assume a margin of error of plus or minus a few. If I did this a year later, the order would likely turn out differently. It’s all just my opinion, and I respect that you’ll likely disagree. (I know—how dare I rank that episode that low and that episode that high?) This is just for fun, a way to reflect on what’s been a great science fiction series overall.

I love Doctor Who even though not every episode is a winner, and I appreciate how hard it is to write for television. Both showrunners, Russell T Davies and Steven Moffat, have given us brilliant episodes, and both have been guilty of failing to rein in their excesses. Nevertheless, the show remains great on the whole, and I’m thankful for the many wonderfully entertaining hours both writers and their teams have given us.

But none of us are perfect. So in this first part, let’s get the misfires out of the way:

(Spoilers!)

Allons-y!

“I’m Sorry. I’m So Sorry.”

The Doctor as you never wanted to see him.

#97 The Sound of Drums/The Last of the Time Lords: It would’ve been much higher if I hadn’t separated “Utopia” from this three-parter. But no. That wonderful first part doesn’t deserve to be saddled with this train wreck. Both Russell T Davies and Steven Moffat have been guilty of mythologizing the Doctor, which is the wrong approach, but RTD gives us the most egregious example here. Martha travels the world convincing people to Tinkerbell the Doctor back to health, which results in a Jesus-like resurrection. No, people. He’s a runaway from a race of haughty time-travelers, not a Christ figure. And the Master’s insanity could be subtler.

#96 Love & Monsters: It benefits from an ELO soundtrack. And pretty much nothing else as our guest protagonist stalks Rose’s mother and a needlessly icky alien kills some nice people. And that girl’s really okay living as a cement face?

#95 The Doctor, the Widow, and the Wardrobe: Moffat has given us both the strongest and weakest of the Christmas specials. Here, he truly drops the ball, beginning with a credulity-straining stunt in which the Doctor dons a spacesuit while falling through space, and continuing on through…that thing with the trees and love saving everything yet again. Great final scene with the Ponds, though, but too late to save the holiday.

#94 The Daleks in Manhattan/Evolution of the Daleks: Before Andrew Garfield was Spider-Man or Mark Zuckerburg’s buddy, he was in this episode full of cheesy 1930s New York accents, pig men, and a human Dalek. You’ll believe a singer and a pig man can fall in love. Or not, more likely.

#93 The Wedding of River Song: Finishing up River Song’s character assassination is an episode in which all logic is thrown out the window. All of time is happening at once and not moving forward? How do people perceive that? It results in cool anachronistic visuals, but it makes no sense for the whole world to think it’s perpetually 5:02. What would 5:02 even mean without any other point of comparison? I’m also not clear on what the wedding actually means to River and the Doctor—if there’s any love there, when did we see it develop organically?

#92 Let’s Kill Hitler: Actually, they killed River’s character, as we receive confirmation that her whole life, including her interest in archaeology, has revolved around the Doctor. Seeing Mel regenerate into River would’ve been a great reveal if we had met Mel before this episode. That kind of forethought and set-up would’ve been brilliant, but this all feels like they’re making it up as they’re going along. On the plus side, Rory punches Hitler.

#91 The Curse of the Black Spot: It would be interesting to see Doctor Who attempt a historically accurate portrayal of pirates (sci-fi elements aside). But here we basically get a poor man’s Pirates of the Caribbean without a sufficient level of swashbuckling.

#90 Planet of the Dead: This one might work better with younger viewers, but between that goofy fanboy scientist, those aliens, a jewel thief flying a bus, it’s all leans a bit too far on the silly side, but not the right kind of silly.

Just because television is in color now doesn’t mean…oh, never mind…

Next Week: “Are These Good Episodes?”