Working With Wilde City

It's a strange story really.

I had just finished I'm The Guy You Hate and I didn't know what to do with it. On one hand I didn't want to self publish it, mostly because I just didn't have the time and energy to do it right. I didn't want to serialize it because I had already written it and playing off the energy of the audience is the best part of serialization.

But I knew I couldn't send it to my publisher.

Don't get me wrong, they're great. They have extremely high editorial standards and a very clear opinion about what they want to publish. But they also have very strong opinions about what sells and how to market books and that was the problem.

I'm The Guy You Hate is M/M, it has some erotica in it, but it is fundamentally a book about mental illness and so I knew I couldn't send it to my normal editor because I knew they would want to stick a naked, headless torso on the cover.

I felt pretty strongly that wasn't appropriate and I just didn't want to fight about it.

So I went about looking for another publisher.

This Book Scares Me

I remember really liking the site design of Wilde City Press. As most of you know, I work in technology so when someone in the M/M community manages to get out of Web 1.0 design aesthetics, I really appreciate it.

Their editorial policy sounded like a great fit, something I could totally work within the confines of. I mean, those of you who have read my books before know .... uh ... I don't exactly write stuff that's easy to categorize. I felt like I could fit into Wilde City's categories about as much as I will ever fit into any categories period.

I got a prompt response from Ethan Day acknowledging that they had received my submission and if I didn't hear back in a month to let him know. Less than 24 hours later I got another email from him because the editor they had handed my three chapter sample off to was raving about how amazing it was (^_^;;;;). Contracts were on the way.

I want to admit something here that I'm probably not supposed to on the day the book comes out, let alone ever. I'm not sure if I'm The Guy You Hate is any good. That's not false modesty. I'm not sure because I literally have not read it since I submitted it to Wilde City. When they sent back edits, I would skim to the highlighted bits, make suggested changes or appropriate compromises and move on. Usually I don't do that. Usually while I'm making those changes I end up rereading everything a few times.

But I'm The Guy You Hate is so deeply personal I'm almost afraid of it. Writing it was an amazingly positive experience, but I'm still a bit raw around the real life events that shaped the story.

I've written personal books before. I think all books are in at least some way a personal journey for the author. But not like this. Let me put it this way, half way through the first draft I knew I had a problem. I wasn't sure how likable Mark Dorsett, the main character's love interest, was. The story hinged on readers being drawn into Jonny's confusion and frustration about Mark's intentions. Does he return Jonny's feelings? Is he really a nice guy or just a jerk?

Mark needs to be at least somewhat amusing and charming. If the reader doesn't at least like him enough to feel bad for him, then nothing else in the book works.

I realized that rather than revealing Mark's mental illness slowly, as had been my original plan, I had to state it immediately up front. I had to clue the reader into the fact that Mark is not simply a jerk alienating and taking advantage of others.

So I set about writing what is now the very first scene in the finished novel. I don't usually write in Starbucks, but I think at the time I wanted to get some fresh air and a salted caramel hot chocolate. Anyway, I ended up furiously writing out that same conversation between the two main characters while sobbing hysterically in public and fighting very hard to keep anyone from noticing that I was sobbing hysterically over my keyboard.

This book scares me a little for that reason. I couldn't really read it again.

The Counterintuitive Realities of Mental Illness

I have believed for some time that the attitudes expressed in most romances encourage awful, emotionally abusive relationships when applied to real life. And when it comes to dealing with a mentally ill loved one, what most books and movies on this subject will have you believe you should do is downright dangerous.

In most cases mental illness is not a disease of just one person, but of a whole network of people. Loving someone who is sick creates so much emotional and psychological stress people can and often do pick up mentally unhealthy behaviors themselves. On top of that the way most people are taught to "help" can actually make the mentally ill person much sicker. There are some forms of mental illness where the symptoms of the disease are actually defense mechanisms protecting the sufferer from a far greater emotional trauma.

This becomes destructive when society pushes the idea that recovering from mental illness equals eliminating the outward signs that something is wrong. Sick people are put under tremendous pressure to repress, hide or lie about what is really going on in their heads. If they do manage to force a symptom to go away they are left defenseless against the original trauma without the skills they might otherwise have developed under the care of the right professional.

You guys already know, I like subverting well-worn storylines. And here I wanted to write something honest about what it's like being in love with someone who is crazy. What it's like and the tough choices you have to make to survive. Most romances that include elements of mental illness focus on the most extreme and melodramatic manifestations of these problems. ANGST ANGST ANGST followed by suicide attempts and finally the sick person being healed by the true, stable, unwavering love and support of another person.

Let me tell you it doesn't work like that.

So What Am I The Big Fish Now?

One of the weirdest parts of publishing this book was realizing the Wilde City was basically going to let me do whatever I wanted. I'm not used to this. I'm used to this genre keeping me on a very short leash. I'm used to long lectures about 'what readers want' and risk taking prose being pruned down to conform strictly to style rules. I'm used to editors asking me to use fewer trademarks, less slang, describe more ... or less.

I work well in restriction I think. It stimulates me creatively. There's security in being reigned in I think. I'm a little nervous being off one.

I'm also not used to my work actually ... being promoted. Not that I mind, you know, it's just that I've always felt that the bigger and more influential you get the more you should keep your goddamn mouth shut. And.... I am seriously not good at doing that ^_^;;;;

But then ... I'm also not sure that this book is any good either.