On support
There are a lot of posts going around about how, if you have mentally ill friends, you should always support them, you should always be there for them when they need you. This is a really good idea, in theory, but it sets up a very easily abused framework of “you can’t get away or withdraw from a mentally ill person because they’re sick, or you’re ableist and a bad person and a bad friend”.
This rhetoric can be twisted very easily by abusive people into it being a requirement to give them attention, like attention is something you owe them as a good person. And to some degree, attention is something that should be exchanged in a friendship! But…
It’s easy to get worn thin. It’s easy to give all of yourself away because you want to be a good person, because you want to be a good friend. It’s easy to forget that you have needs, too.
It’s okay to withdraw from mentally ill friends who are dragging you down with them. It’s okay to need some time alone. It’s okay to stop being friends with someone if they’re actively hurting your mental health.
On the flip side; it’s okay to ask for attention when you need it, but if you’re rejected on that front, you absolutely must respect the other person. It’s not okay to threaten harm or self-harm if someone leaves or says no or refuses to give you the support you want or need. We can’t let communities be ruled by abusive expectation, and we can’t forget abusive behavior just because the abusive person is mentally ill.
Ultimately, I’m really uncomfortable with this particular piece of rhetoric that goes around tumblr, because i think it can be twisted very easily into something really poisonous.
I say this as a mentally ill person, who has recently had to disconnect from a couple of friends who were really badly effecting my mental health by essentially quoting this idea when I tried to pull away. I don’t ever want to be that person for someone- if you need to get away from me, please do.
You don’t owe anyone your time or attention. You don’t owe anyone anything. If you freely give time and attention, that’s fine. It’s fine to ask for attention, too. It’s when it starts to become coercive that there is a problem.
