Perhaps my most eclectic shopping basket ever… What story do these items tell?

I had to pop into my local Target yesterday to grab a few things. As I stood in line at checkout (behind approximately seven thousand other people…couldn’t they open a couple more lines??), I realized I had the strangest collection of purchases. Judging by the looks I got from the people behind me, and subsequently the puzzled young lady behind the register as she scanned them, others thought the same. So of course, this being 2015, I took a picture.

What story does this basket tell? What lay ahead of me when I got home to use them? Any (clean) thoughts? WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?