Even When I Am Wrong, I Am Right.

Fitzinger was a grumpy, vinegary soul. He was a cantankerous, crotchety contrarian. Most animals didn’t mind differing opinions or sulky moods. The problem with Fitzinger was if you had a divergent view point or even disagreed with him slightly he would eat you. No argument, no listen-to-reason, just one big gulp, a few steel-like coils wrapped around the body which voiced dissent and goodbye life.

He would fight over the silliest things. A turtle once told a group of gathered animals that a tree had fallen on its back but its shell was so strong nothing happened. Now, most animals knew the turtle was exaggerating. In all probability a twig may have fallen on it.

Fitzinger took it personally. He claimed it was impossible for a tree to fall on turtle-back and not crack the shell. The turtle snapped ‘My back, I know’. Before it could get into the electrifying details, Fitzinger opened his mouth wide and his sharp backward curving teeth grasped half the turtle in a vice-like grip.

The animals watched a little stunned. The next day a beautiful antelope was telling her friend how she believed in monogamy. Before her friend burst out laughing, she quickly added, she had even found a buck who thought sticking to one partner was a great idea. Fitzinger raised his head from the sand and snorted ‘Antelopes are never monogamous’.

Naturally the elfin beauty protested. Even though a bit of the turtle was still in his stomach, he raised himself and bit the poor antelope’s lovesick head. Her friend ran for deer life vowing never to be monogamous. Soon word spread. All the animals began agreeing to everything Fitzinger said unless they were suicidal.

A couple of babies did try to tease him with the foolishness of the young. They never lived to tell their mommies about it. Fitzinger got used to his word being the law. Nobody crossed him, everybody yessed to even the stupidest things he said. He loved the sound of his own voice and would often go into long monologues. A few animals learnt to sleep with their heads nodding in agreement.

One day a magnificent Tuskar walked into one of Fitzinger’s long speeches on the feel of grass. The elephant harrumphed. He was bored and didn’t care about grass. He just trampled it. No grass was too tough to be destroyed by his 150kg foot.

He looked around and saw how listless the animals were. Poor things. He decided to cheer them up. In a booming voice he bellowed, ‘Did you creatures see the pink moon yesterday?’ The other animals perked up. Really? A pink moon? That sounded way more exciting than grass. Bah.

Fitzinger was annoyed at being interrupted. Forgetting who he was talking to he said, ‘Pink moons are seen only by fools whose eyes can’t be trusted.’ The Tuskar was slightly enraged but he kept his calm. ‘It was pink, I saw it.’ Fitzinger immediately hissed an angry, spiteful hiss, lifted his head up, opened his jaws wide and tried to engulf the elephant head. The animals watched spellbound. Fool!

The Tuskar immediately caught the arrogant python’s tail with his trunk and lashed him against a rock repeatedly. If you looked from a distance it seemed like the elephant had an extraordinarily long, dual-coloured trunk. As Fitzinger’s head got smashed again and again into a mangled, purple mess, the moon came out. It did seem to be a bit pink but that could just have been the blood flying around.

Moral: Sacrifice words. Not yourself.

Fitzinger is drawn by the fabulous Bijoy Venugopal. You can find more of his wonderful stuff here bijoyvenugopal.com