Time to Shine

 “Nothing defies who you are until you’ve lost who you were.” ~Carl Jung

I never really thought much about this quote until this week.

It was one year ago today that I woke up and realized that everything I loved about my life was a lie. Everything I thought I knew, I didn’t know anything about. The one person I thought loved me more than anyone else in the world, didn’t love me at all.

One year ago today, I woke up and realized that I didn’t even know who I was.

For fourteen years of my life I was sculpted, sanded, and polished to be the perfect mother and wife. Do I regret that? No! I’m actually proud of the mother that I am, and honestly I was a pretty damn good wife.

I thought that at some point my perfectly molded impression of a mother and wife started to crack and I wasn’t seeing it. I’m honestly not sure when it started, or how, but along the way I became flawed. In his mind that is.

See, I didn’t know anything was wrong.

How do you fix something that isn’t broken? Simple. You can’t.

A year later, I see that I was in fact still perfect. He was flawed. He was looking for something that I simply didn’t have to give him.

Youth.

The problem wasn’t me. The problem was… I’m perfect. I wasn’t broken anymore. I was molded, I was polished, and I was perfect. He was just simply done with me and got bored with me.

I’m still a good mother, and I’m still good wife material. The only difference is….I’m too good for him.

He doesn’t want perfect, he wants damaged and broken. Someone to rebuild, reform, sculpt, and polish into the perfect mother and wife.

I wonder sometimes if he will discard her as well. If he will get bored with her, then find a younger one to play with. I wonder if he ever misses just having a good wife and companion. I wonder if he will discard me like he did his first wife, perhaps not, because he wasn’t able to mold her.

Either way, I’m fine with it. I actually find it kind of amusing sometimes.

Because, while he was busy “forming me” I was busy being a mother and a good wife.

Now, when you read this, you might think I’m sad, or mad, or even scared. However, I’m quite the opposite. I’m relieved. I’m free. I’m perfect. I can’t look back on it as anything negative because while he was feeling empty and looking for completion in something that I obviously didn’t give him…. he gave me four of the most beautiful children in the world.

Don’t get me wrong, I am human, and I make mistakes. I’m flawed as a human, just like everyone else.

But I was molded and polished.

There is no more damage and nothing to fix.

There is no more youth to construct.

I just turned thirty-two and I couldn’t be happier. So no I’m not sad, or mad, I’m not even hurt anymore because I know that I’m done shining for him.

This past year I’ve been up and down about dating.

 At first it sucked, I was confused; I had no clue what I wanted. I just wanted to void the memory of him. Then when I stopped looking and starting living God gave me the wonderful man that I have today. We are engaged and getting married in February of next year.

I get to see my daughter graduate high school this year, I get to see the birth of my second grand-baby, I get to send my baby off to middle school this year, and I get to watch my two middle ones blossom into wonderful young ladies.

He can keep searching for youth. He can mold and polish all he wants. I’ll keep on enjoying what wasn’t broken.

The past year has been nothing but an eye opener for me, but for the first time in fourteen years, I’m ready to close that book.

2015 is the beginning of a not only a new chapter, but a new book. While he’s searching for the broken and looking for youth, I’m going to move forward with my love, our children, and our families.

Oh yeah, and write a best seller. ***laughs hysterically***

Hey, one can dream, right?

The moral of the story….

This is pretty much where I’ve been the past year. Stuck between feeling broken and realizing I was perfect all along.

That I simply can’t fix what’s not broken, I can only polish myself and shine!!