Who would ever cheat on an astronaut, geez…

The title-inspiration story (actually called ��Opal Forever��) starts with two kids in love, Opal and Griffin, who decide to get tattoos commemorating their passion. Opal opts for a simple, ambiguous ��GO�� on the inside of her ankle; Griffin goes all out and gets ��Opal Forever�� inside a heart etched proudly on his forearm. Of course, they break up, Griffin realizing it��s over as Opal and her new lesbian lover adopt a dog together. So, with an arm that promises to love Opal for the rest of his life, the man decides to re-enter the dating pool, only seeking another woman named Opal. Griffin��s luck gets stuck thanks to coming on too strong, straight up telling every woman on dating sites in America, Virgin Islands, Guam, and soon Canada that he will promise to love them for the rest of his life, showing photographs of the tattoo to prove his seriousness.

I��m a firm believer that most short story collections get ground alone on the irony. An author can start with boring characters doing predictable things and as long as there is an ironic twist at the end, readers will buy in. Not that I��m knocking the formula �� pretty sure my obsession with watching ��Tales of the Crypt�� reruns proves I am fine with irony �� it��s just that after a bunch of short story collections in a row, a girl begins to want a little more than irony at the end. And so, what Michael Czyzniejewski (hereafter referred to as Czy. because holy 15-letter name, Batman), brings to his collection isn��t just the ironic end (not that many of his stories don��t contain that anyway), but actually interesting characters, beginnings and middles.

Take the story ��Space,�� for instance, which opens with the line ��When Miller��s wife went up to space, he set out to cheat on her.�� WHAT? So simple and direct, telling you exactly the characters and motives, yet, what the hell is gonna go on in this story?? We can deduct that 1) Miller��s wife is either and astronaut or this is the future, both of which make me want to keep reading; and 2) despite what seems like would be an ideal domestic situation (in my mind, being married to a freakin�� astronaut), Miller��s got a beef about the whole thing. Maybe he never loved her. Maybe she��s going to be in space for the rest of her life. Whatever the case, we��re going to keep reading at this point.

Other interesting set-ups, just for me to throw out a few that are introduced in the very first paragraphs: 1) (god, this opening line again) ��My sister once saw Meyrl Streep naked in a public shower (��All Out��); 2) A drunk guy sits and watches burglars break into his house (��Shelf Life��); 3) ��Instead of getting married, I insist that Julian and I rig an election�� (��Instead of Getting Married��); 4) A couple discovers both one partner��s allergy to shellfish and a mystical portal all in one night. What, what, WHAT? Seriously, not a moment of boredom in the whole collection.

Although this a collection of breakup stories, (which Czy. adorable dedicates to ��Karen, who didn��t inspire a single word of this book��), my personal favorites are the ones where the stories expand themselves beyond simply Lover 1 and Lover 2. Like the story ��Bullfighting,�� in which a newly widowed mother falls in love with her son��s new imaginary (?) friend. Or the tale of ��When the Heroes Came to Town,�� unsuspectedly, to an previously peaceful town with little attacks from giant monsters before the heroes showed up (suspicious?), only, it seems to win the hearts of the town��s more-beautiful-than-average women.

Oh, jeez, what else to note? A good portion of the stories aren��t written in traditional narrative, keeping things fresh. There��s a story of a professor��s messy family tree, complicated after impregnating his research assistant, told completely through the form of an outline; there��s a tale of lovers facing the famed biblical plagues of Egypt plague by plague; there��s stories told so shortly, they themselves are almost poetry.

Seriuosly though, read THIS, if only to find out why that guy would ever cheat on an astronaut wife. Who would ever cheat on an astronaut anyway��