I Am a Thriver

I am a survivor of sexual assault.

This is not some ���courageous admission��� on my part.�� Although I���ve never talked about it here before, I have spoken of it to some family members and a few close friends.�� Please don���t tell me how sorry you feel for me or how brave I am. I���m definitely not looking for pity or sympathy or support, because I am not a victim.�� ����I���m a survivor.

The attack happened decades ago when I was a teenager.�� I���m not going to provide details of the assault here.�� I don���t need to relive the details, and you don���t need to hear them.�� I did report the attack at the time, but for whatever reason, the authorities never acted on the report.�� Yes, there are scars that I live with���scars that have never quite healed and probably will never fully heal in this life.�� And yes, I still have nightmares on occasion.

My attacker blamed me for the assault, spread lies to cover his tracks, never took responsibility for his actions, and never apologized.�� I ran into him a few years later in a public setting.�� He pretended like we were old friends.�� I, of course, did not.�� However, I didn���t yell at him or curse him or run away.�� All I can distinctly remember from that encounter is that I said that I hoped he had gotten some help.

In the years since the assault, I have striven to let go of my anger and my hatred.�� I refuse to let anger and hatred rule me.�� I refuse to let my attacker have any more power over me.�� I refuse to be a victim.�� In short, I have survived.�� I have lived my life.�� And it���s been a good life so far, with my share of sorrows and joys, tragedies and triumphs, friends, family, love, faith, and miracles.�� I have done more than survive���I have grown and flourished and thrived.

So, why am I telling you this?�� I���m telling you all of this because I had an epiphany yesterday morning (during the Music and the Spoken Word broadcast, of course).�� It came to me quite suddenly and out of the blue that I no longer hate that man at all.�� I don���t know if he has repented.�� I don���t know if he has sought forgiveness and healing.�� I don���t know if he has tried to atone.

But I hope he has.

I hope someday, under very different circumstances and in a very different place, to meet him again���not to have him beg my forgiveness or to see him punished, but to see that a lost and wayward child of God has found his way back. ��My Savior said, ���I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.��� (D&C 64:10)�� Today, I realized that I have finally forgiven that man.�� Today, a burden that I have carried for almost four decades has finally been lifted from me.

I hope someday to return to the presence of my Heavenly Father, to be enfolded in His arms and welcomed home.�� I hope someday to fall to my knees at my Savior���s feet and thank Him for redeeming me, for making my own repentance possible, for lifting me from physical and spiritual corruption and imperfection to celestial glory and perfection, to dwell forever with my beloved wife and children, my parents and siblings, my ancestors and progeny, from Adam and Eve to generations without end.

And in that Celestial Kingdom, there will also be many that have wronged me to one degree or another and many whom I have wronged.�� We don���t get out of this life without causing harm to others, intentional or otherwise.�� However, because of the joyous principle of repentance and the unlimited power of the atonement of Jesus Christ, I can be forgiven and exalted, and so can they.

His love and grace are sufficient.