I don’t have a job right now and I don’t know what I’m doing.I walked out of my last job. To say...

I don’t have a job right now and I don’t know what I’m doing.

I walked out of my last job. To say that it was unhealthy is a bit of an understatement. I went into a management position with the best and most positive of intentions, and it quickly spun out of control into a negative atmosphere where every step forward was perceived as two steps backwards. Needless to say, it got to the point where I requested assistance with a shift and was met with snide remarks in front of the rest of the employees by another manager. Thus I gathered my belongings and walked out.

I haven’t been unemployed in ten years and I’m pretty fucking scared out of my wits.

I don’t hold myself in high regard. I don’t trust myself to make it through. I suffer from high anxiety and self-doubt. Whether or not I’m actually suffering from depression is difficult to say; I don’t know, and personally I’m not in a place to make that judgement. All I know is that I hit a breaking point where I pride myself on not having a breaking point and I had to get out of a negative environment.

I feel fruitless. I feel limp.

Writing this is an attempt at catharsis, to maybe expunge some of these negative feelings about myself somehow in order to get back up and go apply for more jobs. I’ve applied for five in the last three weeks, and I’ve had three interviews. I turned one job down because I didn’t like the atmosphere or the condescending attitude of the manager; part of me feels like that was a huge mistake because, well, I need a job. But it’s hard to jump from one negative boss to another.

I’m trying to find some motivation. There’s a part of me that’s very, very stubborn and wants to make a living off of writing. The rational side of me thinks that is not a probable idea at the moment, simply because I’m too stubbornly independent and I want to write what I want. So I apply for more jobs. I just need to get up and keep moving and I’m having a really hard time doing it.

tl;dr - I don’t know what I’m doing and I don’t know how to get out of it.