Virgin Media Calling (1)

I haven’t heard from EE & T-Mobile since that last conversation I had, but luckily Virgin Media has stepped into the gap. Today I spoke to Anthony:

Anthony: Hello, sir, I’m calling for Ross Law…? Low…? Lowhead?

Me: Yes?

Anthony: Hello, this is Anthony from Virgin Media, how are we today?

Me: Hi, Anthony. Where’s Napoleon? He spoke to me yesterday.

Anthony: You talked to someone yesterday? And what was the result of that call?

Me: He offered me a £5 SIM card.

Anthony: That’s right, and I can see here that you didn’t complete the process yet. Sir, in order to access your account, I need you to answer a few security questions, for data protection purposes. First, can you tell me the first and third characters from your password, please?

Me: First and third…? No. I can tell you the second and fourth, but not the first and third.

Anthony: Ha ha. You can tell me the whole password if you like. Or just the first and third characters.

Me: No. Who can remember all that stuff?

Anthony: That’s fine, sir. In that case I will ask you a few more transactions, for data protection purposes. What is your date of birth?

Me: My full date of birth?

Anthony: Yes.

Me: Aren’t you only supposed to ask me my partial date of birth? For data protection purposes?

Anthony: Yes, the day and the month of your date of birth, please.

Me: Uh…. December 19th.

Anthony: That’s…. not what we have recorded here.

Me: It’s December 19th.

Anthony: That’s okay, we can change that later. Now, can you tell me how you pay your Virgin Media bill, please?

Me: How I pay it? I pay it with money.

Anthony: Very good. And how do you pay that money?

Me: Ummm. It’s money from the bank. I give the bank my money and then I tell them to pay the bills with the money that I give them. And they do. Apparently.

Anthony: That’s absolutely correct. And now, what is the size of your broadband?

Me: Size? Size? What size is it? It’s like, the size of a hardback book but, it’s, you know, it’s light. It’s not as heavy as a book. Do you mean in inches?

Anthony: I mean what speed is it? How fast is it?

Me: Fast? It doesn’t move, Anthony. It’s behind the sofa. I mean, I think…

Anthony: Do you know what size TV package you have?

Me: What size TV? I think it’s forty inches.

Anthony: No, the package. The size of TV package.

Me: Like… the box it came in? That package? It was definitely more than forty. I mean, it had to have been.

Anthony: No, I mean, the full TV package. What is your total TV package?

Me: It… It came with a remote control, and a few cables, like a power lead…

Anthony: Do you have your most recent bill with you?

Me: Yep. I’ve got that.

Anthony: Fantastic. Could you tell me how much your last payment was?

Me: But it’s in my box file. Anyway, don’t you know that? If you’re really from Virgin — as you claim to be — aren’t you supposed to know all of this stuff? I mean, why ask me?

Anthony: I have to ask these questions for data protection. That’s why I asked you for your date of birth and all the other information.

Me: Oh, I see. And I got that wrong, is what you’re saying.

Anthony: We had something different recorded.

Me: Ah. Just out of interest, Anthony. How many questions do I have to get wrong before you fail me?

Anthony: I’m sorry?

Me: How many questions do I have to get wrong before you fail me? Three? Five?

Anthony: I… I don’t understand.

Me: I mean, you called me up… you told me who I was, and you started asking questions. What happened if I you failed to ID me?

Anthony: I…

Me: How many people have you failed to put through ID?

Anthony: No one. I have never failed anyone.

Me: Every time you’ve called someone, you’ve always managed to talk to who you want. Always?

Anthony: Yes.

Me: Wow. Oh, wait. That’s my wife coming home. I’ll tell you what, can you call me twice a day, every day, until I answer again?

Anthony: Certainly! I will make a note on your file–

Me: You haven’t ID’d me, Anthony! You can’t make a note on my file!

Anthony: If you could just answer some–

Me: I gotta go.

The post Virgin Media Calling (1) appeared first on Ross Lawhead.