Cooking with the #SnarkyChef – Scones and Devonshire cream

Have I mentioned a hundred thousand times that I don't cook? Welp, I did today. For one, I've had a yen for scones and Devonshire cream. Noms. For two, my intermittant internet access due to a problem with the lines (they're working on it) has altogether made computer time downright frustrating. Due to that...I baked.

Or tried. These are variations of recipes I found online with my own personal substitutions and I don't ever advise following my cooking instructions. That said, here's how I did it.
 Step One: Assemble ingredients for cream.

Devonshire cream
Whipping creamCream cheesePowdered sugarSour cream Beat cream until stiff peaks form aka the rest of your life(ha! That’s why they call it cream. It has like three creams in it.)
Borrow your neighbor’s blender

Step Two through, like, ten: Put all that stuff in a Tupperware bowl. Splatter combined creams across the kitchen, making sure to spatter it on your keyboard because nothing says sticky keys like Devonshire cream! Curse when you get cream in your eye. Wonder why sour cream is sour. Finally get stuff going and beat until it has ‘stiff peaks’ huckahuckahucka.

Wonder how long it has been and realize you only have sort of limp defeated peaks.
Post to facebook and learn that a chilled metal bowl (instead of a room temp plastic one) and chilling the beaters would’ve ensured you got stiff peaks sooner. Realize cream and nipples apparently have that in common…

Place cream in refrigerator. Drink some espresso. Watch Racheal Ray and wonder why she never splatters stuff all over her kitchen. Pfft…she’s doing it wrong. Save some for eating!
Make a couple phone calls. File your nails. Wash your hands. See if cream is cold. If it is, beat it again and thrill when your peaks get stiff. Ha! Bam. Nailed it.

Wonder why you’re making something this complicated when you normally burn water. Shake it off, shake it off…and find that recipe for scones.

Note that the recipe for scones calls for blueberries, but the ones at the grocer were more like blue-raisin-berries, and figure…eh, strawberries and blackberries will do the same thing, right?
Right?
Wonder vaguely who actually (like actually) has ‘sanding sugar’ in their house and figure that Sugar in the Raw is basically the same thing…so decide to substitute with that.
Step Whatever: Assemble ingredients for Scones
so many berries died this way...Scones1 ½ cups all-purpose flour½ cup cake flour (not self rising)… which is in a box, surprisingly enough. Tricky flour. You look like cereal!3 tablespoons of regular sugar…or more if you slip and dump part of the bowl in. Whatever.2 ½ teaspoons of baking powder from the back of your refrigerator which only smells a little like shrim¾ teaspoon of salt1 stick of really cold butter grated or just hack it into bits. That’s what I did.1 cup of blueberries…eff blueberries. Strawberries. And some blackberries. Maybe a crasin for giggles.½ cup buttermilk (the recipe calls for low-fat but we’re not dieting here. We’re eating this with Devonshire cream which is basically all the milks and sugar. Pfft. I went with the full-on-all-fat-buttermilk.) It is important to use as many dishes as possible when baking so that your teens have something to complain about besides video games1 large egg plus one beaten egg for egg wash… (Why don’t they just say two damned eggs?)½ teaspoon of pure vanilla extract which might or might not be expired…who knows?Sugar In The Raw (because, no, I don’t have sanding sugar. But it is sugar, so therefore sweet so neenerneenerneener)
Step Next: Tell your kid to preheat the oven to 375˚F Pizza cutters work faboo on sconesDrink more espresso. This cooking stuff. Wow, with the steps.
Step One: (Because we’re just starting at one again. It’ll work out better this time.) Realize you can’t find the pastry cutter. Decide fork will work well. Combine flours, salt, sugar, baking powder (realize the shrimpy stuff is baking soda, find baking powder) in a bowl and then smoosh in the butter until it is dry globs. Add fruit. In another bowl, combine the milk, one egg and vanilla and then dump that gak into the dry stuff. Stir lightly then frantically so that it makes a ball of goo.
Blackberries might be too juicy for thisDump that on your island and squish it a bit with your hands to make sure it is all combined and stuff. Smack it until the whole ball is about 1’ thick and round-ish. Cut it with a pizza cutter until they look scone-ish. Brush with a paint brush of egg wash (unless you own the actual tool for this, in which case…seriously? You came to my blog for cooking advice? Rethink your life choices.) and then sprinkle with sugar in the raw.

Put all that on a cookie sheet covered in parchment paper and bake for about 22 minutes. It says to transfer to wire rack…but slap them on the island again to cool.
Aaaand you're done! Cook until they aren't burnt. Serve like this with cream while still warm.
Don't burn your fingers. #advice