So You Want to Join the Internet Outrage Machine: A Tutorial

Brendan, I've heard about this Internet  Outrage Machine, and  I'd very much like to join up. How do I become a part of it?

I'm glad you asked. Do you have any surplus anger? 

Do I ever!

Great. Welcome aboard. Now, this works best if you are already one of the most privileged people in the history of the world.  Are  you a college-educated American citizen?

Yes, I am!

Sigh. You're not very good at this yet. I am a straight white man. The correct answer to any question I might pose to you is "Check your privilege."

But I'm a straight white man too!

Doesn't matter. There's a place for everyone in the Internet Outrage Machine, and you can get extra joy from demonstrating that you're The Only Good One.

Sweet! How do I get started?

Well, you'll have to start with vicarious outrage.  Follow a bunch of people like you on Twitter, Tumblr, or pretty much any social network. When they post about an Outrage, you should retweet, or reblog, adding the comment "THIS."

Great! So people will be posting stuff about poverty, inequality, and exploitation, and I just have to agree with them?

You really are new at this, aren't you?  No. As a college-educated American, you're implicated in all of those problems. You're actually part of the oppressor class! You're not here for introspection or for any kind of meaningful change: you just want to be angry!  So focus on this: people like you who get their feelings hurt by something someone says.

That seems almost embarrassingly trivial.

Wrong! Nothing is too trivial for the Internet Outrage Machine! In fact, the more trivial the offense, the better fuel it makes for the Machine!

Um. Check your privilege?

Good. You're learning.  Now, let's try this scenario and see how you do. 

Q: On the flip side, it sometimes seems like there isn’t much of a way into your books for female readers. Where are all the women in your work?

A: I was raised in a family with four boys, and I absolutely did not know anything about girls at all. I have a daughter now; she’s 17. When she was born, that was the first girl I ever had in my life. I consider myself completely ignorant to all things woman and female. I’m trying to be better though.

Okay, quick. Find the outrage!

That actually sounds relatively innocuous to me. Like, the guy is suggesting that he's not comfortable writing about women because he doesn't know enough about the experience of being female in an oppressive, patriarchal society.

Wrong! He's "othering" women.

I'm not familiar with "other" as a verb.

Well, get familiar with it. You're gonna need to start throwing some jargon around if you really want to be in the Machine.  So, this particular quote is an Outrage because he is suggesting women are some strange kind of alien creature that you need special expertise to write about.

So what would have been a better answer to that question?

Sigh. You're clearly a little slow , so I'm going to have to spell it out for you. There is no right answer to that question.  Any response at all is an Outrage. Let's practice:  I'll throw out some answers and you find the Outrage.

A: There are plenty of women in my work, and I feel like I've written them pretty well.

Outrage! He is daring to suggest that he can understand what it's like to live as a woman in a system of patriarchal oppression! He is silencing women's voices!

Okay, that was excellent.  There's hope for you yet. Try this one.

A: What a weird question that is. That's like asking how you can read Watership Down if you're not a rabbit.

Outrage! He's denying the very idea of women having a different experience from men! And he's just compared women to animals! 

That was top-notch. Try this one.

A: I refuse to answer that question.

Outrage!  He is refusing to even entertain the question of the importance of women in his work!

Great work.

One more: "I reject the gender binary implicit in your question."

Outrage! He is denying the unique experience of women in a patriarchal culture and daring to speak on behalf of a trans community he is not a part of!

Okay, that was fantastic. So just to recap: anything anyone who is not you says about a sensitive issue can be framed as an Outrage. Now: let's take it to the next level. You've spotted the outrage. What do you do?

I approach them thoughtfully and explain why their comment was an Outrage.

No, no no! You go on the offensive. Start cluttering up their timeline with nasty comments. Make sure all your friends do the same! When someone writes about the Outrage, make sure you add a "THIS." Write your own blog post about how terrible this person is. 

If you're lucky, you can get the originator of the Outrage to interact with you.  Let's practice how you do this. How do you respond to this from the author of an Outrage? 

"Get bent.Blocked!" 

Outrage! They are abusive! And trying to silence dissenting voices!

Nice. You can probably get at least one blog post and a halfhearted boycott out of that one.  But it's really better if they're contrite or open to having a discussion. Then the Outrage can go on and on! Let's practice:

"I seem to have really angered you. Can you explain why?"

Great! I get to explain!

Wrong. A request for information is another Outrage. You should respond by sending links to Google. Or possibly say, "It's not my job to EDUCATE  you. It's your job to LEARN!"

So they should learn, but not be educated.

Correct. Now try this:

"I'm sorry I offended you."

I'm stumped. That seems like the outcome I'm looking for.

Idiot! The outcome you're looking for is perpetual Outrage! Their apology is an Outrage because it is "insufficient," "halfhearted," "pro-forma," "too little, too late," You get the idea.  You can continue to go after them and make them apologize in several different ways if you like.  But let's say they apologize, and then their internet presence goes dark. What do you do?

Stand over the corpse of their internet presence and trumpet my power!

Wrong! Never ever admit to being powerful!  No, instead you immediately denounce the Outrage that they are afraid of an honest conversation.

But it's not an honest conversation! It's just fuel for the....oh. I get it.

Right. So make sure you mock and or deride them. You should be extra nasty at this point.

But if I'm extra nasty to someone whom I've successfully driven from the internet, might I not be accused of bullying?

You can only hope! Because you are on the side of righteousness! And anyone suggesting you have power or anything but the purest of intentions is...?

An Outrage!

You've got it.  Now go out there and yell at some people on the internet.