DPD – delivery service from hell.

Thanks, DPD. I have been waiting at home for eight hours having taken the day off work, sitting in my home office watching the road, when what do I spy, a DPD delivery van driving past my house with your driver clutching something in the air inside the van. A GPS unit, I wonder. Are you lost? Should I run out and flag you down? Then the van drives off. Oh well, I think. A coincidence. Must have been a different driver with a different parcel.

Then, five minutes later I get an e-mail with this message . . .

“Sorry, we were unable to deliver your parcel as there was no one present to sign for the delivery; we left calling card number.”

And I twig what’s really going on. Too busy to stop and deliver. Probably paid shit wages and on an impossible schedule, so drives past, takes photo of my house, makes no attempt to stop and knock because that’s five minutes his overworked arse can’t afford to spend.

Well, here’s a message back for DPD. Your driver didn’t try to stop. He didn’t even leave the calling card message – that was as &^$%^& fictional as my delivery. But I have wasted my entire day waiting for somebody who seems to think their job is to take a digital photo of my house and sod off.

Note to Richer Sounds and anyone else thinking of using DPD to deliver your products – find a delivery service that aren’t employing what look to me like underpaid, overworked drivers.

Find a delivery service where the company thinks their job is something more than wasting a day for a self-employed worker, depriving him of a day’s income, and taking a picture of my house to e-mail to me as supposed proof I’m not in.

Update 1 – Misery Loves Company: Check out hashtag #DPD_UK on Twitter or read the comments section below any post at https://www.facebook.com/dpd.uk – hundreds of angry comments from fuming DPD UK customers in the same boat as me. Multiple missed deliveries by DPD and customers at the end of their rag.

Richer Sounds are now going to get the delivery sent directly to one of their stores to redeliver to me via their own staff, which is a nice save by them (the chain store has a very good recommendation by Which Magazine for customer service, which is why I used them).

But %^$& me, what a palaver. We can land a space probe on a comet millions of miles away, but getting a package delivered by DPD – aka GeoPost UK Limited – means missing a day’s pay, wasting the day, then losing a second day, and the courier firm equivalent of dealing with the Keystone Cops. I’ll have to watch out for one of the DPD drivers getting out the van, the doors falling off, and giving his red nose a tweak. Honk honk.

Is it just me, or is 21st century existence turning into an Apple-branded version of Brazil, the 1985 film directed and written by Terry Gilliam? Technology that doesn’t work half the time, is too complicated to use the rest of the time (and is upgraded weekly with a new interface if you try), layers of bureaucracy, and where a call to your utility company of choice (or any other organisation) to sort out any issue you care to mention becomes a Kafkaesque journey towards a drooling, rambling Colonel Walter E. Kurtz at the other end of the tunnel?

Is this how the world ends, my son? Not with a bang. But with a million tiny requests over a premium rate phone line, to fill out a form on a non-existent web page using a mobile browser that no longer supports the non-depreciated form of Flash.

I’m either getting old, or the world is getting seriously %$£^&*. Maybe both at the same time?

And here’s a video of another happy DPD customer, Kevin, in the same boat as the rest of us. Like, what you said, Kevin. Warning … contains some serious f-word venting.

And here’s video of the DPD CEO addressing his organisational synergies.

Update 2: Just heard again from Richer Sounds on the next day. Seems like DPD are screwing around with them too, refusing to re-deliver the package until some date in the way distant future . . . oh, DPD. A delivery company who won’t deliver is like a pencil without lead – pointless.

Good old Richer Sounds are going to send me what I ordered from alternative stock and put it in a cab to me from their nearest store (they’ve had to write off the DPD delivery as a bad job). That’s why I love Richer Sounds. And why nobody in their right mind should ever have to suffer DPD’s comedy delivery service again.

Update 3: And Richer Sounds were as good as their word. A smiling private minicab driver knocks on the door with the package for me, slap bang in the middle of the two hour zone I was told to stay in for. Thank-you to Tom at Richer Sounds Customer Support for bypassing the useless ^%$%s at DPD. I hope you manage to get your original package of goods back from DPD one day this century. My pain with DPD has ended. Yours has probably just begun.

Trying to find DPD contact details that don’t include their automated-circle-jerk-charge’ya-we-saw-you-coming so-called ‘help’ line is like trying to pry out the location of the CIA’s long hidden Pakistan Station, but given I am now picking up lots of traffic from fellow DPD victims, here’s what I’ve dug up as a public service to you . . .

Basic DPD Details to chase them.

DPD’s web site says they are owned by laposte.fr – basically the French equivalent of our privatized Royal Mail. This explains a lot – the old legendary French customer service ethos at play in the UK. The Gallic shrug of the shoulders and low muttered ‘Casse-toi, rosbif !’ at le café table of life.

The current directors of DPD as listed by Companies House are David L. Adams, Paul-Marie Chavanne, Dwain M. McDonald, Charles M. Shiels, but I’m not sure how much good complaining to this lot will do, given they’re likely dancing to the tune played on Laposte’s grand corporate French Accordion.

Here’s some UK HQ details to try, anyway, if you fancy a laugh. Maybe they’ll tell you they’re re-engineering their core processes and systems to up-scale their customer engagement model.

marketing.dept@dpd.co.uk

socialmedia@dpd.co.uk

0121 665 3343

0121 500 2500

0121 698 3783

DPD HQ address

Hub 3

Broadwell Road

Oldbury

West Midlands

B69 4DA

DPT Depot List

10 West London 0208 978 3843

28 Commercial Way

Park Royal

London

NW10 7XF

11 Woodford 0208 498 8643

Unit 1, Woodford T/E

Southend Road

Woodford Green

Essex

IG8 8HF

12 London South 0208 243 3606 Unit 1

Beddington Farm Road

Off Purley Way

Croydon

Surrey

CR0 4XB

13 Kings Cross 0207 391 8646 101 Camley Street

London

NW1 0PF

14 Dartford 01322 625643 Unit 3

20 Kennett Road

Crayford

Kent

DA1 4QN

15 Crawley 01293 893647 Whitworth Road County Oak Way

Crawley

West Sussex

RH11 7SS

16 Chelmsford 01245 232093

Chelmsford2: 01245 232056

Montrose Road

Dukes Park Ind Estate

Chelmsford

Essex

CM2 6TE

18 London Bridge 0207 394 3968

Unit 5

Mandela Way

Southwark

SE1 1SE

19 Isle of Wight 02380 344644 Unit 1, Enterprise Way

Somerton Business Park

Newport Road

Cowes

Isle of Wight

20 Maidstone 01622 714646 Unit C

Riverside Business Park

New Hythe Lane

Larkfield

ME20 6WT

21 Southampton 02380 258646 Unit F

Omega Enterprise Park

Electron Way

Chandlers Ford

Southampton

SO53 4SE

22 Dunstable 01582 470643 Unit 16

Humphreys Road

Woodside Estate

Dunstable

LU5 4TP

23 Reading 01189 232643 Units 1 – 3

Commercial Close

Commercial Road

Reading

RG2 0QS

24 Newbury 01635 812643 Hambridge Lane

Hambridge Road

Newbury

Berks

RG14 5TU

25 Gloucester 01452 727196 Jessop Court

Waterwells Business Prk

Quedgeley

Gloucester

GL2 2AP

26 Leicester 0116 250 1606 28a Centurion Way

Meridian Business Park

Leicester

LE19 1WH

27 Bournemouth 01202 850300

Unit 1 & 2, Arial Park

Uddens Trading Estate

Wimbourne

Dorset

BH21 7NL

28 Geopost Wembley

(Park Royal) 0208 601 7643 Unit 2, Athlon Road

Alperton

Wembley

Middlesex

HA0 1YJ

30 Birmingham 0121 665 3343

Broadwell Works

Birmingham Road

Oldbury

B69 4DA

31 Thetford 01842 855646

10a Burrel Way

Stephenson Ind Est

Thetford

Norfolk

IP24 3RW

32 Rushden 01933 414645 Unit 17, Norris Way

Sanders Lodge Ind Est

Rushden

Northamptonshire

NN10 6BP

33 Peterborough 01733 842643 Empire House

Saville Road

Westwood Ind Estate

Peterborough

PE3 7PR

34 Cardiff 02920 772643 Spring Meadow Ind Park

Mardy Road

Rumney

Cardiff

CF3 2ES

35 Bristol 01179 415605 Units B1/B2

Kingsland Estate

St. Philips Road

Bristol

BS2 0JZ

36 Exeter 01392 449643 Heron Road

Sowton Ind. Estate

Exeter

EX2 7LL

37 Cornwall 01872 574643 Victoria Business Park

Roche

St. Austell

Cornwall

PL26 8LX

38 Swansea 01792 704643 Unit 1, Wyndham Court

Clarion Close

Swansea Enterprise Pk

Swansea

SA6 8QZ

39 Yate

(West Coast Express) 01179 374700

Unit 21

Pucklechurch Ind Estate

Pucklechurch

Bristol

BS16 9QH

40 Manchester 0161 777 4606 Northbank Industrial Est

Bessemer Road

Irlam

Manchester

M44 5BF

41 Nottingham 01159 777646 Unit 8

Centurion Business Ctr

Dabell Avenue

Blenheim Ind Estate

Nottingham

NG6 8WA

42 Leeds 0113 292 5642 Network House

Middleton Grove

Leeds

LS11 5PX

43 Warrington 01925 605646 Unit 20

Stretton Green Ind Est

Langford Way

Appleton

Warrington

WA4 4TQ

44 Abergele 01745 357843 Unit D

Tir Llwyd Ent Park

Kinmel Bay

Clwyd

LL18 5JN

45 Preston 01772 662606 Millennium Road

Millennium City Park

Preston

PR2 5BL

46 Sheffield 01142 572647 Unit 2

Thorncliffe Ind Estate

Brookdale Road

Chapeltown

Sheffield

S35 2PW

48 Stoke 01782 578643 Unit 21/22

Roseville Road

Parkhouse Ind Est West

Newcastle Under Lyme

Staffordshire

ST5 7EF

49 York 01904 476642 Plot 5, Centurion Park

Clifton Moorgate

York

YO30 4RY

50 Glasgow 0141 305 3643 104 Fullarton Drive

Cambuslang

Investment Park

Cambuslang

Glasgow

G32 8FA

51 Edinburgh 0131 335 4043 Unit 23

Cliftonhall Road

Newbridge

Edinburgh

EH27 8PW

52 Aberdeen (Express) 01224 878686 Ocean Trade Centre

Minto Avenue

Altens Industrial Estate

Aberdeen

AB12 3JZ

54 Newcastle 0191 402 5643 Unit 4

Monkton Business Park

Hebburn

South Tyneside

NE31 2JZ

55 Carlisle 01228 829643 Unit 2

Kingstown Ind Estate

Brunthill Road

Carlisle, Cumbria

CA3 0HA

56 Glasgow 2 01698 811235 Unit 3

Tannochside Drive

Uddingston

Glasgow

G71 5PD

71 Dublin 00353 18425122 Unit 53

Airways Ind Estate

Santry

Dublin 17

Is this how the world ends, my son? Not with a bang. But with a million tiny requests to fill out a form on a non-existent web page using a mobile browser that no longer supports the non-depreciated form of Flash.