THE JUICE DEBACLE

How Much Money Does a Novelist Make? Corsages and Chaperones

THE JUICE DEBACLE

It worked when my mom did it. She��d chopped up a bunch of veggies, put them in her Ninja and swirled the hell out of them. When she��d first told me about her Ninja I thought perhaps she��d hired a security system��as in a small green turtle with karate moves.

She poured the puke-colored mixture in a glass and we both studied it. ��I think it��s okay. Let��s give it a try,�� she said brightly.

My father walked by without making eye contact. ��Do you want a veggie smoothie?�� I asked.

��No. If I��m going to drink my vegetables I��ll have a can of V-8.�� Preferably with Stoli,” he said.

��I think that defeats the purpose,�� my mother replied. We sanctimoniously toasted to our good health. We drank it. It tasted okay.

When I got home I took a look in our vegetable compartment. We had spinach, carrots, celery, tomatoes and cucumbers. That seemed like a good mix. I figured I��d make my own V-8 sans the Stoli. I added some garlic, a dash of ketchup and this hemp seed stuff we��d been using in our oatmeal. It��s supposed to help with inflammation. This was like nature��s perfect food. I juiced away. I took a taste. It didn’t taste like V-8.�� Maybe some salt and pepper. I whirled again.

I poured two glasses and took one to Layce. She was reading in the den. ��I brought you lunch.��

��What is that?�� She said, studying the glass.

Now, I admit it didn��t look good. It was kind of an orange, green, and chunky kind of thing. In hindsight, I should have used a non-see-through glass. The presentation would��ve been better.

��It��s a veggie smoothie, super healthy, low in calories and tastes like V-8,�� I said, putting on my best imitation of a used car salesman. ��Just try it.��

��You go first,�� Layce said.

��All right,�� I said. I took a large swallow and managed not to gag. ��See, it��s fine.��

Layce eyed me suspiciously. I took another swallow. ��I can feel myself getting healthier just standing here.��

She sniffed it. She tried to swirl it around like a wine taster. It didn��t budge. Finally she took the plunge. Now in hindsight again��don��t stand in front of someone when they��re having a veggie smoothie for the first time. She blinked. She tried to swallow, she gagged. And then she spewed a veggie smoothie projectile that managed to avoid hitting the carpet because it hit me instead.

I looked down at my T-shirt. ��I didn��t think it was that bad.��

“It needs definitely needs vodka to kill the taste,” Layce said.

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