discovery--I am a rule breaker

In a discussion with my editor about my next book, I realized from her reaction to my feelings that the books I am most excited about are the books I feel like I am forbidden from writing. I think I have heard this before, that you should write the book you are afraid to write, but I honestly didn't "get" it until now. I felt like it meant to write books on topics I was afraid of, or not to shy away from writing the very difficult scene. It probably means those things, as well. But I look back on my history of publishing:

1. Mira, Mirror, a book I wrote because someone challenged me that I could not possibly write a novel entirely from the viewpoint of an inanimate object. I looked around for the most interesting inanimate object, and hit on the mirror in the Snow White fairy tale, the only character in that whole story I am remotely interested in.

2. The Princess and the Hound, a book I wrote because it was from a male viewpoint and I didn't know if I could do that. Also, got rejected by my publisher because it was too much in the seam between adult and YA. Also has a really tricky romance which I won't give away by describing here. But I was nervous that it would be COMPLETELY misinterpreted.

3. The Princess and the Bear, a book I wrote because I did not know if I could write a sequel. I had never written one before and I was terrified to do so. It took months for me to get over the terror and sit down to the writing. Having the book under contract before writing it was also terrifying.

4. A Crown of Diamonds and Sapphires, my first attempt to do a BIG, FAT fantasy. Still don't know if I will be successful at this one. It take three books to tell the whole story and yet readers only get to buy the first book. If it tanks, who knows what will happen to the others?

5. Tris and Izzie, which I wrote to thumb my nose at a very particular German professor of mine who told me to quit writing and focus on my teaching career unless I thought I was going to be "the next Orson Scott Card." So of course, that made me determined to be the next Orson Scott Card. Or something. Whatever I am now.

6. Whatever is next--some very audacious things. See how audacious they are? I won't even mention them here for fear of sounding too audacious. My agent doesn't even know what these books are because I am too afraid of mentioning them to him in case they are actually terrible. But they just sort of leaked out in a discussion with my editor because she is very good at weaseling things out of me.

Apparently the only way to get me to write in an interesting way is to tell me not to do it. I had no idea I was this way, though I am sure every one who knows me is laughing. I think of myself as very conformist. Well, outwardly anyway. In school, I think I was pretty darn obedient. Did everything I was told to do, the way I was told to do it, felt like I was great at reading the teacher's mind and testing well to test-writers. Maybe I am sick of it now.