Mirror, mirror, who'll win the Ashes?
With the world's top eight-ranked Test nations all in, or soon to be in, action,
I sat down in front of a mirror and interviewed myself about the current spate of Test cricket.
"Control room, this is Smithy. Danger averted, do not push the button, I repeat..."
© AFP
Confectionery Stall Hello Andy, thanks for talking to The Confectionery Stall.
Andy Zaltzman It's a pleasure. A lifelong dream fulfilled.
CS It's all happening on Planet Test Cricket. The unofficial quarter-finals of an as-yet-still-non-existent World Championships – top-ranked India against eighth-placed New Zealand, world Nos. 2 and 3, South Africa and Sri Lanka, against sixth-ranked Pakistan and seventh-ranked West Indies. All whetting the appetite for one of the all-time classic mid-table confrontations – fifth-ranked Australia against their statistical nano-superiors, fourth-placed England.
AZ What? Are you telling me, and the rest of the English media, that this is not the ultimate clash of the two greatest teams in the history of cricket, with the eyes of the universe fixed immovably on it?
CS It's fourth against fifth. Out of, basically, 8.
AZ Well, can you perhaps explain why, given that Australia (340) and England (312) have both won more than twice as many Tests as any other nation, they are not ranked 1 and 2?
CS I think it's because the rankings don't take into account how good teams were in the 1890s.
AZ I prefer to look at the big picture. It's One versus Two.
CS Let's start with batting. If it has been a good month for fans of engagements in the British royal family, it has been an even better one for the world's batsmen.
AZ Sure has. What is going on with all these triple-hundreds in Test cricket? Correct me if I'm wrong, but Chris Gayle's against Sri Lanka was the ninth in just 380 Tests since May 2002. There had only been eight in the previous 44 years and 1148 Tests.
CS You are wrong. You meant there had only been only eight triple-centuries in the previous 44 years and two months and 1149 Tests. But your point basically stands. Three hundreds are being scored at a breakneck rate of one every 42 Tests. Instead of once every 143 Tests in that 1958-2002 period you keep prattling on about.
AZ Crumbs. If that rate of increase in triple-hundreds continues, by the year 2643, roughly, every single Test innings will be a triple-hundred.
CS It's what the advertisers want. This millennium has been like the 1930s all over again, but less so – there were five triple-hundreds in just 89 Tests, all of which lead inexorably in 1939 to the start of the most devastating conflict in the history of the world. The ICC needs to clamp down on big scoring, or the world at large could suffer.
AZ Are you claiming that, if South Africa had not declared with AB de Villiers on 278, the world would have been shunted closer to Armageddon?
CS Yes, I am. Can you prove otherwise?
AZ No.
b>CS Point proved then. De Villiers and Morkel posted the 21st tenth-wicket century partnership in the history of history. Harbhajan and Sreesanth put up the 20th just a week before.
AZ
So you're telling me that almost 10% of all 100-plus last-wicket partnerships have been scored in mid-November 2010, whilst, as all schoolchildren know, there were only two such stands between 1903 and 1952 – the same number as there were World Wars in the same period.
CS Precisely. So a lack of century last-wicket stands is clearly linked to global war. De Villiers apparently asked his captain to declare even earlier than he did. So by deliberately avoiding scoring a triple-hundred, and by coaxing Morne Morkel to play his part in a 100-partnership, de Villiers has made himself hot favourite for next year's Nobel Peace Prize.
AZ Wow. What a man. The Henry Kissinger of South African batsmanship. Have you got any more statistics on rates of high scoring in modern cricket?
CS
Yes. But I'm not telling them to you now. You'll have to wait for another blog.
AZ
Oh shucks. That's ruined my week.
CS
Good stats come to those who wait.
AZ Hey, here's a question for you. What do the three Test double-centurions of November 2010 – Gayle, McCullum and de Villiers − have in common?
I sat down in front of a mirror and interviewed myself about the current spate of Test cricket.
"Control room, this is Smithy. Danger averted, do not push the button, I repeat..."
© AFP
Confectionery Stall Hello Andy, thanks for talking to The Confectionery Stall.
Andy Zaltzman It's a pleasure. A lifelong dream fulfilled.
CS It's all happening on Planet Test Cricket. The unofficial quarter-finals of an as-yet-still-non-existent World Championships – top-ranked India against eighth-placed New Zealand, world Nos. 2 and 3, South Africa and Sri Lanka, against sixth-ranked Pakistan and seventh-ranked West Indies. All whetting the appetite for one of the all-time classic mid-table confrontations – fifth-ranked Australia against their statistical nano-superiors, fourth-placed England.
AZ What? Are you telling me, and the rest of the English media, that this is not the ultimate clash of the two greatest teams in the history of cricket, with the eyes of the universe fixed immovably on it?
CS It's fourth against fifth. Out of, basically, 8.
AZ Well, can you perhaps explain why, given that Australia (340) and England (312) have both won more than twice as many Tests as any other nation, they are not ranked 1 and 2?
CS I think it's because the rankings don't take into account how good teams were in the 1890s.
AZ I prefer to look at the big picture. It's One versus Two.
CS Let's start with batting. If it has been a good month for fans of engagements in the British royal family, it has been an even better one for the world's batsmen.
AZ Sure has. What is going on with all these triple-hundreds in Test cricket? Correct me if I'm wrong, but Chris Gayle's against Sri Lanka was the ninth in just 380 Tests since May 2002. There had only been eight in the previous 44 years and 1148 Tests.
CS You are wrong. You meant there had only been only eight triple-centuries in the previous 44 years and two months and 1149 Tests. But your point basically stands. Three hundreds are being scored at a breakneck rate of one every 42 Tests. Instead of once every 143 Tests in that 1958-2002 period you keep prattling on about.
AZ Crumbs. If that rate of increase in triple-hundreds continues, by the year 2643, roughly, every single Test innings will be a triple-hundred.
CS It's what the advertisers want. This millennium has been like the 1930s all over again, but less so – there were five triple-hundreds in just 89 Tests, all of which lead inexorably in 1939 to the start of the most devastating conflict in the history of the world. The ICC needs to clamp down on big scoring, or the world at large could suffer.
AZ Are you claiming that, if South Africa had not declared with AB de Villiers on 278, the world would have been shunted closer to Armageddon?
CS Yes, I am. Can you prove otherwise?
AZ No.
b>CS Point proved then. De Villiers and Morkel posted the 21st tenth-wicket century partnership in the history of history. Harbhajan and Sreesanth put up the 20th just a week before.
AZ
So you're telling me that almost 10% of all 100-plus last-wicket partnerships have been scored in mid-November 2010, whilst, as all schoolchildren know, there were only two such stands between 1903 and 1952 – the same number as there were World Wars in the same period.
CS Precisely. So a lack of century last-wicket stands is clearly linked to global war. De Villiers apparently asked his captain to declare even earlier than he did. So by deliberately avoiding scoring a triple-hundred, and by coaxing Morne Morkel to play his part in a 100-partnership, de Villiers has made himself hot favourite for next year's Nobel Peace Prize.
AZ Wow. What a man. The Henry Kissinger of South African batsmanship. Have you got any more statistics on rates of high scoring in modern cricket?
CS
Yes. But I'm not telling them to you now. You'll have to wait for another blog.
AZ
Oh shucks. That's ruined my week.
CS
Good stats come to those who wait.
AZ Hey, here's a question for you. What do the three Test double-centurions of November 2010 – Gayle, McCullum and de Villiers − have in common?
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