You don't know this about me, but I make the world's best oatmeal.

On the outside, I seem like a regular guy, with the pointless nipples and reproductive organs stored outside of the body, but I am special when it comes to oatmeal. Mom always said to me, “You’re not special” and for the longest time I believed her, until I came up with the world’s best oatmeal recipe. After that, I knew she was lying. Nowadays I tell people I grew up during the Great Depression: my mother’s, and we all laugh and laugh becuase not only do I make the world’s best oatmeal, but I am also hilarious.

What I do is take a half a cup of steel cut oats and put them in a pan with half a tablespoon of butter. Over medium to high heat, I stir them constantly until a nice toasty smell emerges. While I’m doing this, I’m also bringing a cup and a half of water to a boil, and when that delicious toasty smell appears, I pour this boiling water on the oats and butter and put a lid on it, turning the burner down to a simmer. Then I walk away for a half an hour and do something else. Often, I will watch an episode of Cheers or take my dog Duke out so he can go take a shit in the neighbor’s yard. Sometimes I will simply stand in the bathroom and wash my hands for half an hour because, you know, germs.

After the half hour, I remove the lid, sprinkle on one quarter teaspoon of salt. In a measuring cup, I mix together one fourth a cup of buttermilk and one fourth a cup whole milk. This I pour on the oats and butter and salt, stirring.

Now, this is the part where America comes in because you are free to do different things. You can eat the oatmeal right then and there, or you can leave it on the burner to simmer unlidded to whatever thickness you desire. When you deem it ready, you can mix in one or two or three or more tablespoons of brown sugar.

Seriously, get off the internet and make it right now. You will thank me (if you have manners, that is).