First, Be Friends

During the Jewish wedding and each festive meal of the subsequent seven festive days, we bless the bride and the groom, Sameach Tesamach Re'im ahuvim, "Be happy and rejoice, friends and lovers!" At a superficial glance, this blessing seems odd. If the young couple are lovers, then why say friends? Isn't that superfluous? The answer is simple. In order to be lovers, you have to be friends first. In fact, friendship is the foundation upon which a true and lasting relationship is built.

How does friendship manifest itself in a marriage? When you have a good friend, you enjoy spending time together. A husband's attention to his wife, walking together, dining together (not with the newspaper or TV, but with your partner), and especially learning together are superb expressions of friendship. Any act that constitutes a statement of, "I want to be with you!" is a beautiful compliment that warms the heart and cements a relationship. This type of friendship is a prerequisite to love.

Those couples who work on their friendship do a much better job of weathering the days of physical separation during the monthly cycle of Jewish family purity. Even more, during the clean days, a normal woman is disgusted by the mere thought of physical contact if it's not preceded by friendship and love. Friendship is great for the body and the soul. Shabbat takes on an entirely new dimension when a husband and wife learn the laws of Shabbat together. Nothing is more intimate - and healthy - than a husband and wife taking a long walk together and sharing each others secrets. When you make friendship a priority in your marriage, then your relationship will blossom like the Spring flowers.