no talent and little skill

This Saturday I took my 15 year old daughter out to get a grand piano. She has been asking for one for years, and she is actually good enough now that it matters. I feel a little guilty that I couldn't get the even-nicer grand that my bad ear could tell sounded better, but I couldn't.

So then Sunday I asked her to come sing a Christmas piece I have been practicing for the annual Christmas recital. 15 has moved up to a new piano teacher, able to teach her concertos to a college level, but I thought it would be nice if she came back and sang at her old piano teacher's recital. The song I picked was "Mary's Lullaby," an old favorite of the family's, and one I have been hoping to be good enough to play accompaniment for her for years. I had practiced for four weeks before I tried to get her to sing with me.

This is how it went:

Me: Playing first four lines nervously, with a few mistakes.
Her: Trying to sing along.
Me: Let's try those again.
Her: Irritated, singing along.
Me: A third time.
Her: Mom, you can't play this really, can you?
Me: Doggedly continued playing to the end of the song, realizing that I would never play this piece again.
Me: Going to my room to cry.

It was good for me, really. 15 does this to other people all the time. I had never experienced it quite as sharply as I did this time. She absolutely believes that if someone is not as skilled as she is then they don't deserve to play/sing. They should just give it up. She has asked me for years to please stop playing--or singing--because it hurts her ears. I admit, I do sing much more quietly now than I once did in church, having lost confidence. But I also realized that *I* like playing the piano. It doesn't matter if I have no talent and little skill. I do it because I enjoy it and I don't have to be good at it. So long as I play it without trying to accompany her, that is.

We had a very short conversation on Sunday, after a performance in church by two girls who 15 deemed less skilled than she was. Why were they given solos when she was right there? Well, my dear, I told her, perhaps the leaders wished to give other people a chance to encourage them. Why? Because just because they are not going to be professionals does not mean that their effort is of no value.

And then I sat with that thought for a while, reflecting it onto writing and writers who are never going to be professionals. Sometimes I can be like 15 and a little harsh. I need to learn not to be.