Attention!

UPDATE: Contact has been made, and also Capclave provided some information that will be very handy in case of extreme emergency. Thanks to everyone who tweeted and Facebooked this last night.


Any DC area fans/folks know or remember Monika. I don't recall her last name, just that she spelled her first with a k. Sounds like she could use some local NON-POLICE NON-STATE assistance.




Originally posted by shinygobonkers at postWow. I haven't written in here since the start of 2015. Didn't realize its been that long.

Still alive, but...not for long, I don't think.

Don't want to be melodramatic. Maybe will write more, before. But I am just...done with things. Done with the mindless sitting around by myself day after day doing nothing, being useless, done with the constant crazy in my head. Apparently I need two, possibly three teeth extracted including one, possibly two molars (plus wisdom teeth too) and the idea of having no teeth, not being able to chew properly, nope, not dealing with it. Just...no. I am done.

It's been long enough. Other people will disagree, will argue, will be terribly hurt, and I truly am sorry about that, but ultimately it is my life, my choice, my right to decide to end it. It is not a sudden decision. I have felt this way on some level, thought about and wanted to do so to some degree or another since my very first entry here. So many years have passed, many things have changed, but this, this has always remained.

There's a kind of calm certainty about it now. Not a question of what I want, not feeling torn, not struggling simply...certainty. A question of when, and where, and not if. The answer to which will remain in my head because I've already spoken more about this than I should have. Nothing immediate. Promised mother I'd come visit next week, want to hang out with tamea while I'm in new york, walk around the city at least once more even if it is freezing cold. Put my things in order, maybe finish reading a book or two.

I was watching age of ultron trailers the other day and felt kind of bummed its not coming out until may. Too far away that, too long to wait. It looks like a cool movie. D already bought plane tickets for a family thing in april and feel bad to make that a waste of money, but even if i could pop enough painkillers to ignore teeth extraction issue that long, don't know that I could deal life for that much longer either. Days like this...nothing terrible happened, nothing dramatic, just another day of doign nothing and knowing i should do something and nope, nothing and it just...reinforces it.

It feels terrible when someone is begging you not to kill yourself (because you should have kept your mouth shut, but you didn't) but the alternative, this, day after day even longer as everything gets worse and worse....I've reached my limit, passed it. Maybe I'll agree to 'try something else' and maybe I won't, because I do hate seeing people upset on account of me, but it really is just a question of when, where, and what I would like to get done before then.

I hate and deeply do regret hurting people who care about me, but this is a decision I have the right to make. Too tired, too done with everything. Even when I am doing things with people I never really feel there anymore, never feel real, just detached, pretending to be one of them. I am done and it is a sad terrible waste but I'd rather it be a waste in the form of nothing, absence, non-existence, than more of this, the same. And you argue that I should try more things, try other options, and maybe i should, maybe I am a terrible person but fine, whatever, I am done and I don't have whatever energy or will or motivation is required to do that, and I am done and I don't know that I want to spend any of the limited time I've left to trying new things ie. more unpleasant awkward nerve wracking experiences, and I am done, and I am sorry but I am done.

Will try to write here again, more, before. I didn't mean to just abandon this, just stop after so many years. I just needed to get this out, get this written, to not just leave this journal after so many years so haphazardly.