Daughter of Mars #74 (Blind Wish part 4)
Jets of warm water and unscented soap massaged Risa’s body from the metal ring passing up and down the inside of the autoshower tube. She kept her eyes closed and her mind occupied with murderous daydreams of what she could have done to the three idiots. The tornado of hot air died down with the fading whine of tiny fans. Risa stepped out into the procedure room and hurried to the exam table where her armor draped like a deflated body. An involuntary squeal escaped her lips as she slipped a leg into the smooth, freezing material. Eager to stop touching the icy floor, she stuck her feet in her boots before bothering to pull her armor up past the knee.
Faint whirring, inaudible to those without boosted hearing, crept up behind her. She recognized the sound of an orb bot, and glanced over her shoulder at an eight-inch plastisteel ball with a glowing violet lens, which flickered in time with its speech.
“Greetings Miss Aum. I am happy to report your bio-scan shows no anomalies. Please follow me when you are ready to leave.”
The orb glided to the door and rotated to face her. After she zipped her suit closed and fastened her boots, Risa followed the floating sphere through an antiseptic hallway decorated in white and silver. She traced her fingertips over the glossy wall, grinning at the ability to see again.
Shiro sprang from his seat in the waiting area and jogged over. “It’s wonderful to see your eyes have that special glow again.”
Her mood flattened. “It’s not special; it’s violet.” She swiped her weapon harness from his outstretched hand. “Metal eyes don’t have any emotion.”
“Risa,” he whispered, putting a hand on her shoulder.
She tensed, managing to change the urge to flinch away into a downcast stare.
“You are too critical of yourself.”
“Am I?” Be nice. He just saved your ass. Anger drained from her voice, leaving it a resigned quiet. “I’m not in the best place right now, Shiro. Everyone thinks I’m an assassin.” She made eye contact. “I’m about to give them what they want.”
“Can we talk?” He slid his fingers down her arm and clasped her hand. “Dinner? You’ve got to be a little hungry after that. Tank time always leaves me starving.”
“That’s because you’re a man. Everything equates to hunger.” Risa pulled the harness on and pulled the nylon straps across her chest, one above and one below her breasts. “I’m not dressing up.”
“I know just the place.” Shiro smiled, and gestured at the door. “Shall we?”
“Lead on.” Her tone, and expression, remained flat.
He led the way back to the car. Something in his pocket chirped, and the doors opened on their own. Risa slipped in and reclined in the passenger seat, gazing through the moon roof at the bland cut stone overhead. Gouges, scrapes, and paint smears flashed by once they were underway. Primus City had little in the way of starry nights, being underground. Shiro lives in Arcadia. Why was he here? A knot of unease gathered in her gut. He knew about Pavo. She spent the entirety of a fifteen-minute ride hiding her face so he couldn’t see the pain. Everything outside reminded her of Pavo somehow. Shiro steered into a small, attached parking lot of a Great Red Burger franchise. A hologram by the door resembled a cheeseburger stretched and shaped in the likeness of Mars. It struck her as the kind of place with a bigger crowd at one in the morning than at the time normal people ate dinner. Her choice of attire―body armor and weapons―would also not draw much notice here.
She sat still as Shiro got out and closed his door. A moment later, guilt dragged her along behind him into the restaurant. Risa did not so much want to be with him as she felt guilty for everything he’d just done for her, money notwithstanding. The whole damsel-in-distress thing sucks. She fell into a booth seat, gazing into her lap.
Shiro broke the silence first. “I hope you’re not making that face because you’re with me.”
“Thanks.” She didn’t look up. “For saving my ass.”
He leaned forward, flashing a rogue’s grin. “Why do I get the sense it hurt you to say that?”
Risa opened her hand in her lap, and stared at her fingers. “I’m not the girl that needs saving.”
After a quiet few seconds, Shiro peered to the side, through the window. “You were once, but you’re not a child anymore.”
“What can I get you guys?” asked a fifteen-ish boy, face lit in cyan light from an oversized transparent visor.
You’re wrong. Risa squinted at Shiro. Even little, I saved myself. Not every kid would’ve crawled off into the dark on their own. “Steak sandwich and an unsweetened green tea please.”
Shiro straightened in his seat, as if the weight of her glare pushed him away. He perused the in-table menu for a few seconds. “Mushroom Swiss burger, with seasoned fries.”
“Drink?” asked the boy.
“Another green tea.” Shiro kept quiet until the waiter walked off. “Risa, I’m sorry about Pavo. Really. Words will sound hollow. If there’s anything I can do…” He let the air out of his lungs in a long breath. “The kind of change we’re trying to bring about isn’t going to come without a tax of blood. I’m sorry it hit so close, but I’m grateful it wasn’t you.”
Why Pavo? Why did I have to tell him I loved him? She tightened her jaw. I knew what would happen if I said it, and I said it anyway. Any attempt to speak would break the flimsy wall holding back tears. She imagined herself killing I/O and the odorous bastard who’d grabbed her from behind.
“For what it’s worth, I’m sorry. It’s beyond unfair what you had to go through as an innocent child.” His serious face melted into a smile as the kid brought their food, returning to its former grimness as soon as the boy’s back turned. “It’s cruel beyond words. The thought of you shivering in the vents… I―”
“I don’t need your pity.” Risa dumped black pepper on her fries. “Besides, you’re not that much older than I am. Not like you could’ve done a damn thing about it.”
“That doesn’t mean I can’t share your feelings towards the people who’d do such a thing to a little girl. Your father was―”
“A spy.” The scent of seared sirloin gave her more of an appetite than she expected; she chomped down on her sandwich.
“There’s something inherently wrong about steak that’s perfectly round.” Shiro winked. “I realize they grow it in that shape, but it still feels odd. Have you ever wondered if it tastes the same as real beef?”
“I’m not going to Earth to kill a cow―if I could even find one―to test that.”
“I can’t say I blame you for disliking Earth, but it’s not the planet’s fault. It’s a handful of greedy people. Life is completely different down there. Peaceful, almost boring.”
“Sure, if you have money.” She nibbled on a fry. “Mars is my home.”
“What kind of home is this for you?” He gestured at the window. “For anyone? Think; really think about what happened to you.” He paused, trying to make eye contact for a moment, though she kept her gaze on her food. “I want you to know I’m here for you. This planet has been nothing but cruel. As soon as you find a sliver of happiness, it gets taken away from you.”
One Nano claw emerged from her right index finger and speared a fry. She held it up, staring over it at him. “Thanks for reminding me.”
Shiro reached across the table and clasped her wrist, brushing his thumb over the back of her hand. “I respect you, Risa Black. I know I said when we first met that my intention was to keep our relationship strictly one of business… but, you are a unique and strong woman.”
She watched his thumb moving for a few seconds while gratitude warred with grief.
He let her arm slip through his fingers as she stuck the lone fry in her mouth. “I’m not asking you for anything. I’d just like to be here for you when you decide to stop letting the world kick you around.”
Risa glanced from her plate to his chest as she chewed. She retracted the claw and lowered her arm flat. When she made eye contact, her somatic response system surrounded his face with lines and indicators measuring stress, perspiration, heart rate.
“So, you’re concerned about me?”
“I am.”
The fluttering bar graphs and squiggly lines indicated truth. “It’s too―”
“Soon?” Shiro held a hand over his chest and rendered a shallow bow. “Of course. I didn’t mean to suggest anything more than being someone to talk to. You’ve only learned of his death hours ago.”
She drew in a breath and broke eye contact.
“I came to Mars to help your cause, but I’d rather help you.” He looked to his right, through the window at passing pedestrians in the underground street. “You deserve a better life than this. So does that child you’ve taken in.”
Now he’s cheating. Her gaze fell onto the table. Pavo’s dead. For all I’ve done to fight for Mars, why do I always seem to hurt innocent people? She thought about his offer, taking Kree and going to Earth with him. Pavo would want me to be safe and happy. Risa gnawed on her sandwich, playing through a different daydream of being a corporate man’s wife. The more she contemplated it, the stronger the sense of guilt stabbing through her gut became, sucking the flavor out of the steak.
Pavo’s face appeared along with his words in her memory. Thousands of us have already died for independence. If we walk away now, all that life would have been wasted.
“Am I condemned to this?” She whispered.
Shiro raised an eyebrow. “Your opinion of going to Earth is being condemned? I hope that’s a reflection on the government and not me.”
“Pavo died for what he believed in.” She stared through the small bit of food remaining on her plate, eyes focused on a point far beyond. “If we give up now, everyone I’ve ever known will have died for nothing.”
He offered a hand across the table. “You’ve said you’ve lost the urge to kill, to plant bombs. At least think about my offer. The children would be much safer on Earth.”
Risa stared at his palm; she almost reached out to grab his hand, but couldn’t do that to Pavo so soon. “I’m not sure what I’m going to do when the dust settles, or if I’ll even be alive. I am not going to let the people who killed Pavo walk away.” She made a fist to keep from pointing at him. “These are the same sons of bitches who killed my father. They think they can do whatever they want. They think their little government is above consequence. They’re wrong.”
His eyes widened with a wounded look. “Throwing your life away won’t bring Pavo back.”
She studied her lap. After a few minutes of silence, the waiter collected their plates and Shiro paid. Neither spoke as they stood and made their way out to the street. She trailed a step behind, watching him walk, wondering if she could ever feel for another man the way she felt for Pavo. Shiro had saved her life in the alley, and his company paid for her surgery―an amount she’d not even seen. Maybe I shouldn’t be alone. He’s going to invite me to his apartment… A dull metallic clank echoed in her memory; Pavo walking into the pipe.
Risa whirled away to hide her tears.
“Risa?” Shiro moved up behind her. “What’s wrong?”
He’s not dead two weeks, and I’m already… “I can’t…”
“I understand.” He set his hands on her shoulders.
She caught herself imagining it was Pavo holding her, and took a step forward, whirling to face him. “I can’t. Not now. I need time to mourn…” Time to kill.
“Let me drive you somewhere safe?”
Where would I go? Some shitty hotel? I can’t go to Pavo’s apartment… I can’t go to the safehouse, and I definitely don’t trust myself alone with Shiro. I’ll either kill him or hate myself. She backed up two steps. “You’ve already done so much…” Scenes of destruction from Arden Settlement flashed before her eyes. “I don’t deserve it.”
Shiro closed the distance between them in a single stride; she raised her hand to push him away, but he caught and held it. “You’re wrong. You deserve so much more than what I have to offer.”
“Please.” She looked down. “I need…”
“Time.” He squeezed her hand. “I understand.”
Risa sighed.
Shiro smiled. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
“No, I’m not.” She forced a false chuckle.
“Vid me if you need anything.” He glanced at the car. “Are you sure I can’t offer you a ride?”
“I’m sure.” She stared into his eyes for a moment, ashamed of the sound her own voice, afraid of what she might say next. I want to be with him and far away at the same time. He’s an easy escape. Her mind wandered to when she’d shown Pavo the picture of herself as a kid, before the war stole her life. He’s a chance to be that little girl in the pink dress again. That’s not who I am anymore, is it? Pavo’s voice laughed in the back of her mind, calling her adorable. Ghostly fingers tickled her sides; Risa closed her eyes and let his memory embrace her.
Sadness hardened to resolve.
I’ve got work to do. “Thank you, Shiro. For saving my life, for dragging my broken ass to the med center… and for dinner.” She stared for several minutes at the deserted street, silent but for the sound of their breaths. “I don’t know how I feel right now. I don’t know how I’ll feel when this is over.”
“You think I don’t understand, but I do. You’ve closed yourself off from every emotion aside from anger for years. When you finally open yourself to love, it is torn from you before you can even enjoy it.” Shiro grasped her arm above the elbow, as if to escort her to the car. “There will always be politicians. This war started before you were born and it will continue after we’re both gone. It’s taken away everyone you’ve ever loved. Don’t throw your life away. Revenge will never make you feel better.”
“I’m not doing this to feel better.” She started to walk away, but stopped when he spoke again.
“What’ll you do after you find the people responsible? If you find the people responsible.”
“Kill them.”
The chill in her voice stalled his answer for a moment. “After that?”
A brief memory of Kree pantomiming speedware weighed on her heart. “Perhaps I’ll visit Earth, if the offer’s still there.”
“I’ll hold you to that.”
Risa glanced back at a grin that almost made her feel foolish for not going with him. Her lingering, guilty stare sank to the ground as she walked away, headed into the heart of Elysium City. Shiro represented a chance at a mundane life, the kind of life she had spent years angry with every mythological deity humankind ever invented for taking away from her. Why is this my fight? She let off a weak chuckle. An angel chose me.
She wandered without destination, unable to make up her mind where to go. Glowing electronic eyes watched her from one dark alcove after another; pale yellow, green, and orange spots tracked her.
Where is Raziel now?
The people who killed Pavo wouldn’t be easy to track, and with Walsh and the Syndicate coming up a dead end, she had little to go on. Her aimless march halted as a faint skittering broke the stillness. Risa followed the sound to a narrow gap between a kid’s clothing store and a Triton Manufacturing Corporation outlet shop. An uncountable assortment of household items, consumer electronics, and toys packed the window on the right. Small outfits in the other made her look away.
Being near me will only get her hurt.
Fifteen meters in from the street, a cyclone of detritus whorled near a large ventilation duct. Her body moved on instinct, stopping at a crouch in the midst of a strong wind that flung her hair about. The cover opened with a light tug, rising on assisted struts. Risa glanced at the street for a moment, feeling separated from everything.
Once more alone.
She crawled into the depths and pulled the cover closed behind her.
Related posts:
Daughter of Mars #72 (Blind Wish part 2)Daughter of Mars #73 (Blind Wish part 3)Daughter of Mars #71 (Blind Wish part 1)
