Valentines Day is coming up. My lover and I would like to try having fun with chocolate. Can you give us some dos and don'ts?

Boy can I. It almost feels like a regular activity around here, and while I appreciate the enthusiasm, sometimes it’s like, can’t a guy just eat a slice of chocolate cake in peace for once?! 

But this is not about me. 

Some dos and don’ts then!

DO: Put down a sheet you don’t mind losing or take the fun to a washable surface. (countertop? kitchen floor? bathtub? Slip ‘N Slide? Just throwing out ideas here.)

DON’T: Use internally. Chocolate is not lube. It is almost the exact opposite of lube. Do not. Nothing will ruin the sexy fun faster than one or both of you suddenly screaming it burns oh god IT BURNS.

DO: Use something thick, like a ganache rather than a syrup, and dab a little bit at a time. You aren’t finger painting, nor are you aiming to be the Jackson Pollock of erotic chocolate body art.

DON’T: Get discouraged! It will probably be a little sticky and messy and silly, and that’s okay. Your best bet with trying anything new is to be open, be relaxed, and be willing to stop if it’s just not working. Hey, you tried, you had fun, you got to pretend your nipples were made out of chocolate for a while. It’s all good! Maybe try whipped cream next time. Or frozen strawberries on a hot summer day.

DO: Include clean up as part of the fun! Take a shower together and spend time getting each other extra clean. If you do it right, you may get to go for another round.