join my book farm!
Writing books is just too dang hard. And time consuming. And really, where is the productivity in it? One lone person toiling for months, or years, on a book? It is just so much more efficient to get a factory farm going, get a bunch of livestock—or MFAs or hungry up-and-comers of any ilk—to do the toiling for you.
James Frey, you MAD GENIUS. I mean, dude, if a totally DISGRACED douchenozzle of an author who was outed as a big fat lying scuzz on Oprah's couch no less, can come back and write novels that get middling reviews and so-so readership and start a company in which he employs graduate students to write books for $500 and back-end that is very iffy (he pays you what he pays you and there's no auditing, i.e. counting of copies of books sold, to tell you how much you've earned) and he gets to take ALL the credit? Such a lousy deal! Especially in a world when a low book YA advance is along the lines of $10,000 with royalty rates between 10 and 15 percent of sales).
I just need take a moment to PRAISE America, a country where losers are never really down and out (I'm sure if the cancer doesn't kill him, Bernie Madoff will soon have his own reality show!) and where "Bend over and grab your ankles" appears to be not a preface for rape, but kind of magic words. Frey has more than 25 writers signed up for the literary anal probe he's offering.
So, with all of that in mind, and knowing that some of my blog readers are aspiring authors, I now offer you the….
GAYLE FORMAN FACTORY FARM FIVE OPPORTUNITY OF A LIFETIME!!!
THE CHANCE TO COLLABORATE WITH A REAL-LIFE YA AUTHOR [RLYAA]*
* (If project sells, your name, likeness, astrological sign, hair color, will not be attached to RLYAA. You are legally prohibited from using your name in conjunction to RLYAA. In fact, mentioning your collaboration, either in writing or out loud, may result in your death or dismemberment. You are legally prohibited from even thinking about this collaboration. Please open your eyes while I shine this pen with a very bright light in front of them.)
THE TERMS
In Exchange for Formulating, Writing, Revising, Revising again and then maybe 17 more times one Young-Adult Novel, you will Receive:
One $50 Gift Certificate to The Breast Feeding Shoppe (Everything for Breastfeeding!) Does not expire until 2013 so you have time if pregnancy is not in your immediate plans,which it should not be until your contractual obligations are fulfilled.
Two invitations to Taco Tuesday Night at my house. (A heads up; we operate by the if-we-cooked-it-we-don't-clean it, so if I'm cooking dinner, you're on deck for dishes; also the bathroom sink could use a scour.)
The Metro Card that has been sitting in my desk for a year. I'm fairly certain that there are a couple of rides left on it. I just keep forgetting to check.
Six boxes of "gently used" baby clothes. If you choose not to take these clothes, it will be your responsibility to take them to the Goodwill. Be sure to get a receipt for the tax deduction! You may keep the deduction!
Eight consecutive "pretend you're the author" nights! In which you get to hang out in the RLYAA's home, acting as though you are the RLYYA. For added authenticity, the author's two children will be home, too, so you will get an up-close view of what it's like to "juggle" work and home! Additional "pretend you're the author" nights negotiable.
ROYALTIES, MONIES, ETC.
If the book makes a ton of money, RLYAA will be sure to tell lots of people about your valuable contribution.
If the book makes oodles of money, RLYAA will give you a "chunk" of that.
If the book is made into a movie, RLYAA will provide you with a dozen movie passes* good at any United Artist Theater. Popcorn and soda included!
*matinee only.
If the book is made into a movie and there is mad merchandising deals, RLYAA will invite you over to her house to clean up all the action figures/crap after her children are tired of playing with them. You may keep the broken ones.
So, there you have it. Like I said: OPPORTUNITY OF A LIFETIME.
All interested parties should sign a blood oath and deliver their ideas to me. Preferably, on a doormat.
Cheers!
Gayle
