Not everything's a 'pink fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows' moment.
This week? I want to ring it's neck. No, I'm not always gonna blog about happy goodness and I'm sorry about that... But lets face it, happy goodness is for wussies. And I'm not one. =)
On the writerly front...
Not gonna lie... This week was hard. Throat punch hard. Not in the sense that the words wouldn't flow (I've got 15k to attest for that) but in the sense that my confidence has failed me. Fully. Completely. Wholeheartedly failed me.
Every once in a while (okay, scratch that, every other day, it seems) the little voices in my head tell me I'm not good enough. That my goals are unattainable. That I'll never swim in the big pond with the fancy fishes because I don't have the sparkly gills. (Terrible analogy, I know. Don't hate.) Yes, yes, I know, every writer goes through this, even those shiny, sparkly fancy fish, I'm sure. But for me, a sufferer of all things 'I suck', it's a never ending battle. And it absolutely breaks. My. Heart.
That ugly thing called doubt and depression pushes me down a dark path (has done so since I was a teenager.) No matter how many times I push it away, either, it's vengeance continues to get uglier. I seem to cry constantly anymore and then I really get tired of trying to stay positive too, mainly because when I do, something breaks me down again. The endless cycle of beating myself down keeps going and going and going...until I'm at a bottom of a pit that's almost impossible to dig myself out of.
Truth be told, I'm exhausted. Like, to the point where it's not even fun for me to write some days. And I hate that, because it is fun. SO much. Without the words, I can't breathe. Without sitting down in front of my computer, I feel like I am losing pieces of me that I can never get back. I want to be able to feel good again, and the only way I can is by, yes, THINKING POSITIVE. But I can't help but ask: is it worth it? I want to think so. But if I cant' believe in myself, who will? I'm my own biggest cheerleader, but my pom poms are broke. And repairing them has become a daunting task, one that i guess I've got to get better at. I've never been a miracle worker, but for the sake of my heart (and sanity) I better try to be, huh? I'm not asking for pity here. I'm not asking for people to pat me on the back and say "ah, you'll be okay." But what I am asking for is a sense of understanding. That it's okay to be down. That I'm not crazy and I'm not filled with suckage because I feel this way. I am who I am, and no matter what that won't change.
But... I'm trying. And sometimes that's all I can do.
On a personal front...
Whoever said being a mother was hard is wrong. Because being a mother is a job that is nearly impossible in all stages of life, even when you try your best. For instance: When your 8 year old daughter who already has a hard time with life in general, is melting down because you make her take a day off the computer. Or then there are the days when one of your children (I won't say who) gets a hold of your Paypal password and spends a HUGE amount of money on some lovely site called Movie Star Planet, only to tell you days later that I'm the worst mother ever for grounding her. And when you realize that your youngest daughter has a combined attitude of her older sisters, therefore trying you with her words on an hourly basis. (She's lucky she's adorable, let's just say.) But like writing, I have to push the doubts out of my head, and constantly tell myself that I can handle what's been given to me because what's been given to me are blessings, no matter what the day may bring.
And sometimes, it's just nice to be noticed on how you are as a parent...
For instance, I went to dinner one night with my ladies and a lovely young girl who sat behind our table said to me: I just want you to know, from what I can tell, you're an amazing mom. Instant tears. Big time, ugly tears. Because just when I was doubting my motherly skills,, someone tells me otherwise, therefore giving me the confidence to say "Yeah, okay. I've totally got this. I am not a rockstar mom, but I am a mom who'd do anything for her kids and that in itself is something. =)
On the reading front...
One good thing I can say for this week? I was finally able to read my agency sister's book, Mayhem. Jamie Shaw's debut was the perfect NA read for all those girls out there who love them some rock stars.
And with that, I'm out. I've got a newly minted 5 year old to contest with today. One who doesn't quite understand why Mother Nature has decided to bring a blizzard on the same day of (and I quote) the most important day of her entire life.
Oh, and because I never fail you, here's Thom Evans. Because I love him. And he's hot. And he's also the muse for Collin (The hero from my novel, The Imperfect Try.)
On the writerly front...
Not gonna lie... This week was hard. Throat punch hard. Not in the sense that the words wouldn't flow (I've got 15k to attest for that) but in the sense that my confidence has failed me. Fully. Completely. Wholeheartedly failed me.
Every once in a while (okay, scratch that, every other day, it seems) the little voices in my head tell me I'm not good enough. That my goals are unattainable. That I'll never swim in the big pond with the fancy fishes because I don't have the sparkly gills. (Terrible analogy, I know. Don't hate.) Yes, yes, I know, every writer goes through this, even those shiny, sparkly fancy fish, I'm sure. But for me, a sufferer of all things 'I suck', it's a never ending battle. And it absolutely breaks. My. Heart.
That ugly thing called doubt and depression pushes me down a dark path (has done so since I was a teenager.) No matter how many times I push it away, either, it's vengeance continues to get uglier. I seem to cry constantly anymore and then I really get tired of trying to stay positive too, mainly because when I do, something breaks me down again. The endless cycle of beating myself down keeps going and going and going...until I'm at a bottom of a pit that's almost impossible to dig myself out of.
Truth be told, I'm exhausted. Like, to the point where it's not even fun for me to write some days. And I hate that, because it is fun. SO much. Without the words, I can't breathe. Without sitting down in front of my computer, I feel like I am losing pieces of me that I can never get back. I want to be able to feel good again, and the only way I can is by, yes, THINKING POSITIVE. But I can't help but ask: is it worth it? I want to think so. But if I cant' believe in myself, who will? I'm my own biggest cheerleader, but my pom poms are broke. And repairing them has become a daunting task, one that i guess I've got to get better at. I've never been a miracle worker, but for the sake of my heart (and sanity) I better try to be, huh? I'm not asking for pity here. I'm not asking for people to pat me on the back and say "ah, you'll be okay." But what I am asking for is a sense of understanding. That it's okay to be down. That I'm not crazy and I'm not filled with suckage because I feel this way. I am who I am, and no matter what that won't change.
But... I'm trying. And sometimes that's all I can do.
On a personal front...
Whoever said being a mother was hard is wrong. Because being a mother is a job that is nearly impossible in all stages of life, even when you try your best. For instance: When your 8 year old daughter who already has a hard time with life in general, is melting down because you make her take a day off the computer. Or then there are the days when one of your children (I won't say who) gets a hold of your Paypal password and spends a HUGE amount of money on some lovely site called Movie Star Planet, only to tell you days later that I'm the worst mother ever for grounding her. And when you realize that your youngest daughter has a combined attitude of her older sisters, therefore trying you with her words on an hourly basis. (She's lucky she's adorable, let's just say.) But like writing, I have to push the doubts out of my head, and constantly tell myself that I can handle what's been given to me because what's been given to me are blessings, no matter what the day may bring.
And sometimes, it's just nice to be noticed on how you are as a parent...
For instance, I went to dinner one night with my ladies and a lovely young girl who sat behind our table said to me: I just want you to know, from what I can tell, you're an amazing mom. Instant tears. Big time, ugly tears. Because just when I was doubting my motherly skills,, someone tells me otherwise, therefore giving me the confidence to say "Yeah, okay. I've totally got this. I am not a rockstar mom, but I am a mom who'd do anything for her kids and that in itself is something. =)
On the reading front...
One good thing I can say for this week? I was finally able to read my agency sister's book, Mayhem. Jamie Shaw's debut was the perfect NA read for all those girls out there who love them some rock stars.
And with that, I'm out. I've got a newly minted 5 year old to contest with today. One who doesn't quite understand why Mother Nature has decided to bring a blizzard on the same day of (and I quote) the most important day of her entire life.
Oh, and because I never fail you, here's Thom Evans. Because I love him. And he's hot. And he's also the muse for Collin (The hero from my novel, The Imperfect Try.)
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