THINGS I LEARNED ABOUT SCIENCE FROM POPULAR ENTERTAINMENT

There are five kinds of scientific experiment (although occasionally research can fall into multiple categories):

1. Mad. Mad experiments are undertaken purely to demonstrate that the experimenter has figured out how to do something no sensible person wants to do, like snuff out the sun, or melt everybody's eyeballs. The distinguishing characteristic of a mad experiment is that there is no hope of a positive outcome for anyone, even the experimenter.

2. Evil. Evil experiments are undertaken for antisocial but comprehensible reasons, like conquering the world, or exacting a gruesome revenge on those who played a cruel prank on the experimenter back in high school. Gadgets like death rays and mind control helmets often fall into this category unless developed to counter a clear and present danger like an extraterrestrial invasion.

We should note that the distinction between mad and evil research may depend on context. If Lex Luthor tries to turn all humans into apes, we may well view that as mad. But if Grodd, who is an ape, attempts the same thing, we may discern a practical, albeit diabolical, reason for his actions.

3. Reckless. Reckless research is conducted for worthy ends, but with insufficient attention to safety. Often the researcher has personal issues that convince him speed is paramount. "My wife is dying! So you bet I'm going to inject her with my untested serum of shark and vampire bat DNA! What's the worst that could happen?"

4. Unlucky. Unlucky experiments seem like they ought to be safe, but have disastrous outcomes anyway. You could try to develop the next generation of ShamWow and create a black hole. You could look through a telescope at a strange celestial object and get irradiated with an entirely new form of energy that turns you into the Amazing Antimatter Man. Sometimes these things just happen.

5. Miraculous Breakthrough. The experimenter who makes a miraculous breakthrough leaps far ahead of current science and technology to achieve the seemingly impossible. He may, for example, build a faster-than-light spaceship when no one else has even worked out how to send a manned mission to Mars.

Miraculous breakthroughs are most often accomplished by eccentric mavericks, especially those scorned by their colleagues. They also tend to occur in primitive and adverse circumstances. Some may wonder how Tony Stark could construct his first suit of Iron Man armor in a cave, with his injured heart giving out and terrorists threatening to kill him. But in fact, conditions were ideal.

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The most difficult and important scientific problems are solved through the power of crude analogies.

When something calamitous is occurring, like a breakdown in the structure of space-time, the government is likely to assemble a crack team of geniuses to save the day. These Nobel Prize winners tackle the problem with higher math, advanced technology, and all the other tools of their esoteric disciplines. Still, little progress can be made until an Everyman type finds his way to the research facility, listens to a brief explanation of the crisis, and then says something on the order of: "So you're saying...space-time is like an onion!" This prompts the scientists to consider the problem in a whole new way and ultimately points to the solution.

It helps if the Everyman has made a perilous cross-country journey prior to reaching the research facility, and if only hours or minutes remain before the developing threat progresses to a point where absolutely nothing can stop it.

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Slow, careful remedies never work, but fortunately, they don't have to.

Scientists often plan to avert an impending disaster by doing something like meticulously placing charges, then setting them off at just the right moment and in just the right sequence. The purpose may be to knock an asteroid off its trajectory and so keep it from hitting the earth, or to start the planet's core rotating again. Whatever it is, the scientists always agree that the fix must be applied with flawless precision.

One can never predict whether it will be a meteor shower, a crewman falling prey to psychosis, or some other difficulty, but something always happens to keep the team from executing the plan in its original form. Instead, they find themselves reduced to detonating the bombs (or doing whatever) fast, by dead reckoning, at the last possible instant. Happily, this turns out to work every bit as well as relying on timers and computers.

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If a machine can make something happen, it can make it unhappen.

A good example of this is the machine Reed Richards builds in the first Fantastic Four movie to restore Ben Grimm's humanity. When Ben decides he still needs his super-strength, he hits the button, steps back into the box, and presto, he's the Thing again.

You can observe the same principle at work in your kitchen, by using your oven or microwave to cook food, then make it raw again.