If It's Getting Better, Why Does It Have to Be So Hard?

Over the years that I've worked against bullying, I've developed a thick skin. I've gotten accustomed to people trying my patience. I've managed to remain calm when I'd rather lash out, "When was the last time you were actually in a school? Really listened to children instead of lecturing to them? Witnessed children verbally or physically abused?" But in the deluge of media and commentary on bullying issues, the last eight weeks have been intense and I want to describe a few of the highs and lows. Or more to the point, the moments of extreme annoyance and hope.

The Lows

Debating Focus on the Family and the Minnesota Family Council

In September and October, I went on Anderson Cooper 360 to debate Candice Cushman from Focus on the Family, and in a later show, Tom Prichard from the Minnesota Family Council. Although Ms. Cushman was considerably more sophisticated articulating her position, they both advocate the same belief: any bullying prevention program that specifically articulates that it is unacceptable to target someone for being gay promotes a pro-homosexual–and therefore unacceptable–agenda.

What Ms. Cushman and Mr. Prichard advocate as an effective way to stop bullying is saying to kids, "Be nice and kind to each other. And by the way, be nice to those gay kids too—even though they "choose" to live an abnormal and immoral life."

They both accuse bullying prevention programs of being political. They're strategy is entirely Machiavellian because they are accusing the opposition of exactly what they are in fact doing: politicizing the issue of bullying in schools. Listening to Mr. Prichard identify bullying prevention programs as a cover for endorsing gay marriage almost made me have a temper tantrum on air. After the show, my mother suggested I should tone it down. I thought the fact that I hadn't frothed at the mouth was an achievement.

Let's be clear: common sense dictates that if you don't name the specific behavior you want changed, you ineffectively communicate what you believe and what you want. When this philosophy is applied to schools, you can't provide accurate information, support and systems of accountability. But the worst is kids will think you're a useless, clueless, adult—and they'll be right.

Then adults really started to make me angry. During the interview with Ms. Cushman, she stated,

"We're hearing from parents that are having homosexuality lessons presented to their kindergartners in the name of anti-bullying."

Not only didn't she give any specific examples of these lessons, but by keeping this accusation vague and coupling these words and images together, she insinuated the unfounded, factually incorrect fear, that homosexuals are child molesters. She continued,

"If you start listing out too many categories [for bullying], you're going to leave some kids off the list. What about overweight? What about kids that wear glasses?"

As smart as I think Ms. Cushman is in getting her message across, this subsequent comment reflects just not getting what the dynamics of bullying are about.

The real motivation behind this argument is to silence people from speaking out against social injustice. From all the years I have worked in schools, one of the biggest challenges to getting kids the information and support they need is when teachers, parents, and administrators become scared that if they take a stand the will get into conflicts with other adults. (For a great example of this, check out this recent New York Times piece.)

So I want to share with you what I think is the most effective response—because this debate can't be won on facts. Now, when someone says bullying prevention programs are pro-homosexuality, I say, "That's being anti-child and if we don't address these issues in a real way, then there will be more 12 year olds with nooses around their neck. More parents standing over their children's caskets."

Obviously I'm a little heated.

The Reactionary Blogs

After my AC360 appearances, some attacked me for trying to restrict freedom of speech as if I was violating a sacred American right. Here's what I don't get: a person's freedom or "right" to degrade someone shouldn't trump another's right to be treated with dignity. Not only is that common decency and essential to the social contract we all have with each other, but in accordance with our founding fathers beliefs regarding a true democracy. They understood that an individual's pursuit of freedom inevitably conflicts with the dignity of the other—especially if the other has less power. This belief is what separates democracy from tyranny.

The Highs

Speaking to the Missouri School Counselor Association

Right before delivering my keynote at the Missouri School Counselors Association conference in November, I read another report of a child committing suicide because of gay bashing. I'm not usually a person who tears up, whose voice catches with emotion. Remember, I have developed a tough skin. But I couldn't do it that day. Many of the attendees are members of very conservative, religious communities like those of Ms. Cushman and Mr. Prichard, but they made the important connection that we have to identify a behavior to stop it, even if it makes the adults uncomfortable. The outpouring of support and unity was overwhelming.

NOH8's powerful PSA on Bullying  Teen Suicide

It's inspiring, comforting, and educational. Cindy McCain is particularly powerful. If you have middle school or high school students please watch it and discuss with them.

Antony Turner

This is the young man who "outed" the Arkansas Board of Education member who wrote among other horrible things, that gay children should commit suicide. I was so struck by his kindness and courage to come forward. The world would be a profoundly better place if more people spoke out like Mr. Turner.

The Mormon Church

Obviously their involvement in California's proposition 8 was terrible. But, I have worked in the LDS community off and on for years so I was heartened to read LDS spokesman Michael Otterson speak out against bullying and disparaging gays.

"Their struggle is our struggle….Many questions in life, however, including some related to same-gender attractions, must await a future answer, even in the next life. Until then, the truth is, God loves all his children, and because he loves us, we can trust him and keep his commandments."

Admittedly these are baby steps but they're monumental. Most important, I would hope it at least gives some solace to gay people within the LDS community who have felt isolated, excluded and shamed from their own faith.

Young People

I have been amazed by the number of high school people who have thanked me online or after a presentation for speaking out. Their support is the most important thing I need to keep doing this work.

So that's it –a snapshot of what it's been like for me behind the scenes. I'm not going to lie. This is hard and exhausting work. We all have to take a stand here. We have to if we want to uphold a civil society and let our kids live in dignity.