US states in 1 smart ass sentence

Photo: Kevin Bond

Alabama: We may be 49th in everything, but thank God for Mississippi.

Alaska: No, you can’t see Russia from here.

Arizona: Our main exports are heat stroke and rabid xenophobia.

Arkansas: Literrasy ain’t everything.

California: Where American dreamers settle for doing porn.

Colorado: Laughing at your altitude sickness since 1876.

Connecticut: We’re kinda close to the places you really want to be, like Boston and NYC.

Delaware: The first state, and that’s about it.

Florida: A wonderful place to enjoy some pain pills and die of old age. Or vice versa.

Georgia: Without Atlanta, we’re Alabama.

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha’ami Leeki Toru (Death to mainland scum, but leave your money).

Idaho: More than just potatoes. Ok, maybe not, but the potatoes are real good.

Illinois: Where a politician’s term in office and prison sentence are roughly the same.

Indiana: Dan Quayle’s favorite country!

Iowa: Counting down the days until an election makes us relevant again.

Kansas: Come for the corn, stay for the tornadoes.

Kentucky: 5 million people, 15 last names.

Louisiana: We’re also thankful for Mississippi.

Maine: Stephen King really likes it here!

Maryland: If you can dream it, we can tax it, hon.

Massachusetts: We hope you enjoy both of our seasons, Winter and Construction.

Michigan: Where lake effect snow will bury you alive 10 ft. from your front door.

Minnesota: 10,000 lakes and 10,000,000,000 mosquitoes.

Mississippi: We make slightly less shitty states look GOOD.

Missouri: We love company.

Montana: The birthplace of the letter bomb.

Nebraska: Where the majority of the population has been intimate with a corn cob.

Nevada: Helping degenerates part with their money since 1864.

New Hampshire: A great place to stop for gas on your way to Canada.

New Jersey: Hope you like traffic, asshole.

New Mexico: Breaking Bad was the best thing that ever happened to us.

New York: If you have it, we’ll tax it, and if it’s fun, we’ll regulate it until it’s no longer fun.

North Carolina: Despite being North, we’re still as redneck as South Carolina.

North Dakota: All the weather or Canada without any of the health care.

Ohio: We like to swing.

Oklahoma: One tornado away from being Mississippi.

Oregon: Still a 50/50 chance you’ll die of dysentery.

Pennsylvania: Our Amish can beat up Pennsylvania’s Amish.

Rhode Island: If we were any less significant, we’d be Delaware.

South Carolina: We secretly pledge allegiance to the Confederate flag.

South Dakota: Closer than North Dakota.

Tennessee: Leading the nation in fat dudes who die while taking a dump.

Texas: Heaven if you are a high school quarterback. Hell if you are gay, black, an immigrant or a woman.

Utah: A great place to raise a couple of families.

Vermont: 75% hippies, 24.999% rednecks and .001% who came for the foliage.

Virginia: Southern enough to suck for northerners and northern enough to suck for southerners.

Washington: Where more things are legal and everything is damp.

West Virginia: Our obesity problem can be explained in two words: pepperoni rolls.

Wisconsin: Way too cold to be sober.

Wyoming: Where men are men and sheep are scared.