I couldn't believe how old everything was. There was a tube tv bolted to the wall and that wall was covered in brown paneling, along with all the other walls, even the bathroom ones.
Thick shag carpeting, colored weird green. A wobbly desk with a white plastic lawn chair (the only thing in the room from this century). Two lamps, one of which worked. An overhead light that flickered every time you took a step. The place smelled like cabbage, too, for some reason. I didn’t spot any cockroaches, so that was good, and the sheets appeared to be jizz-free, which was even better.
In the nightstand drawer I found the Gideon Bible and opened it. It was stiff as a board and crackled minutely. It had never been opened before and I, a newly homeless man, had popped its cherry. In the front there’s a special verse, something about whosoever believeth and only begotten. It’s in the front of every Gideon Bible, printed out dozens of times in every language you can think of, even Spanish. My favorite, though, has always been Sinhalese. It’s curly and loopy and pretty, more like decoration than text. Sitting there on the bed with tears in my eyes, I smiled at it.
Fuck this, I thought, and took the Gideon Bible over to the little trashcan by the wobbly desk and dropped it in. Then I went across the parking lot to the bar.
I sat drinking a pitcher of Budweiser, looking at my phone. I wished she would text me, wished anyone would, wished I had someone to talk to, about anything. I was tired of the whiny noises my brain was making. There were eight or ten people, all men, but they all appeared to be buddied up.
Another pitcher later, I noticed a single guy sitting a few stools down from me. I don’t know if he was there before or had come in during a piss. He had blond hair and looked a little younger than me. Lonely and sufficiently lubed, I went over and hit on him for companionship and conversation.
"How you doing?"
"Good," he said.
"I’m Ned."
"Rafe."
"Rafe?"
"Yeah."
"That’s a far cry from Ned."
"What isn’t?"
The man had a point.
"My marriage just ended."
"Sorry to hear that, man."
"Like, today."
"Damn." He shook his head.
"Either I left her or she kicked me out. I’m still not clear on it."
"Would it matter?"
The man was full of points.
"What do you do?"
"I’m a masseur."
"Seriously?"
"Yep," Rafe the masseur said.
I peered at him, never having seen a masseur before. “And how does one become a masseur?”
"It’s an 18 week program, normally. Not that difficult. It took me almost a year to complete it, though."
"Why?"
"I failed the Arousal Test."
"The Arousal Test?"
"Yeah, toward the end when you’re about to graduate and get your certificate, you have to pass an Arousal Test. If you don’t pass it, no graduation, no certificate."
"What’s the Arousal Test?"
"Well, they bring in a hot guy or girl, whatever you’re normally attracted to, and you have to oil them up and massage the hell out of them. To make things tough on you, they get virtually naked, too."
"That’s odd."
"Yeah, and to tell if you’re getting aroused they put this little cuff on your penis. You know, like those cuffs that test your blood pressure? Only it’s small. They wrap it around your penis and you put your sweats back on and have to massage this oily, nearly naked goddess. The cuff is hooked up to a wire that goes out your pant leg to a buzzer and if you get wood BZZZ you fail the Arousal Test."
"That’s fucking insane."
"Anyway, I failed twice. I even appealed, claiming the cuff was too snug and was the thing making me horny, not the oily, nearly naked goddess I was caressing. They didn’t buy it and I had to pay for all this counseling."
"How’d you finally beat it, no pun intended?"
"Saltpeter."
"Saltpeter?"
"Yeah, it’s potassium nitrate, technically. I ate a bunch of it before going in. It gives you a seriously flat dick. It’s, like, the reverse of E.D. medication."
"This has gotta be some of the weirdest shit I’ve ever heard."
"I know, right?"
"How do they test female masseurs?"
"You mean masseuses?"
"Yeah."
"A vaginal pellet hooked to a little wire. It’s about the size and shape of a vitamin and measures moisture."
"What the fuck?"
