Why People Go Insane in Grad School
I have read several articles recently on mental health and graduate school, and though I think many hit the nail on the head, they kind of miss an important point:
The point they miss is perfectionism vs. survivalism. They don't discuss how one saves and one kills.
So, here is my two cents.
I believe that perfectionism is our attempt to know the future. It is an attempt to write our autobiography in advance. After all, if you know you have done something perfectly, then there is no longer a need to worry about how everything will eventually play out. It's done before it's done.
Worry derives from the fact that we cannot know. Perfectionism is the attempt to know or, rather, ensure.
Grad school is a big step. School, in general, is a big step. I remember speaking with the mother of my host family in Germany. She told me that high school in Germany is far more intensive and stressful than it is in America. Her senior year, she woke up one day dizzy and deaf. Her mother took her to see a doctor. After an examination, he said that it was the stress of finals that had done that to her. That, because of stress, she had lost her hearing.
Imagine that. Age seventeen, age eighteen. And, already, you are temporarily deaf from stress. Or, perhaps more accurately, deaf from perfectionism. Later on, she got the highest score possible on her finals. Of course, that perfect score ended up being a double-edged sword.
She said her teacher - to make life kinder for her - marked her down as having scored at the second best level. Why? Because those who got perfect scores were suspected of cheating and were required to take their test again. Her teacher knew she hadn't cheated, and she knew her health was suffering from stress, so in order to help her, she marked her down as having done second to best. Because she was listed as having the second to highest score, there was no suspicion of cheating. No more testing. My host family mother, at age seventeen or eighteen, could sit down and rest. Get her hearing and balance back.
Perfectionism will kill you.
The US high schools don't put that kind of pressure on students, but US colleges and - in particular - grad schools can. Under pressure, everything becomes meaningful. Everything becomes stressed.
And the money. Oh the money that is required to go to school. The fear is enough to kill you.
For four years of undergrad and two years of an MA, one can easily go into $95,000 of debt at just a Tier 2 school. That's enough to cause a heart attack.
And the worst thing possible is always: you don't know if you'll make it. Every new year of school is new. You have never experienced the next level before.
Oh, what you will do to make sure you'll make it through. Oh what you would do to make sure that your debt is not wasted.
Some women sell their eggs to pay for law school. You can get up to $150,000 for selling your eggs.
This stress over money and time and degree is where perfectionism comes in. How do I know that my money and time and energy won't be wasted? If I perfect everything. Every little study moment, every little test, every little quiz, every little paper. All I have to do is perfect all the tiny things, and I won't have to worry about the larger portion - the debt, the degree - anymore.
This is where obsessive-compulsiveness grows. And the internal thought can unravel into something like this: As long as, say, the butter is put back in the fridge just perfectly, then the study moment will go perfectly, and if the study moment goes perfectly, then you know you'll pass the class, you'll get your degree.
And as long as everything else goes back in the fridge perfectly, then the butter can go back in perfectly, then the study moment will go perfectly, and if the study moment goes perfectly, then you know you'll pass the class, you'll get your degree.
This is how perfectionism kills you. And grad school is a Petri dish for perfectionism. It grows there like none other. And that is why some students turn suicidal. That is why there is a plethora of mental unbalance.
Because, what it comes down to is, we want to know we can get our degrees. We want to know that the debt will be worth it. Because there is no safety net. There is no safety net if we fail.
We seek perfectionism, because we want to know the future. And, to know the future, we are willing to lose our hearing, our balance, our low blood pressure, our sanity, and sometimes, even our lives.
This is why people in grad school go insane.
Not only this, but think of the isolation. The cage you're in. Perfectionism is isolating. So is school. Sitting down to read and read and read and write and write and write is isolating. And, according to George Monbiot, this kind of loneliness is killing us: http://www.theguardian.com/commentisf...
And this loneliness can cause addictions to alcohol, gambling, drugs, etc. For me and many others, the addiction during school was shopping. My friend's boyfriend never spent so much money on shirts and camping equipment and watches and ties as when he faced the bar exam. I never spent so much money on clothes as when I was facing my thesis and coursework for my MA. And there is a fantastic article on loneliness/the-awful-cage-we're-stuck-in and these addictions that you can read here:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/johann-...
And if you're one of the ones that has gone through this, and you're looking for a way back out, there is an answer, but it isn't going to be pretty. And you will rail against it with all of your heart, because the answer will not tell you the future you so desperately seek to know. The answer will not assure you that the debt will be worth it, or that you can pay your debt, or that you'll survive and attain your degrees. The answer to your misery will not ensure an A on that next test.
The answer is survivalism.
Perfectionism is the enemy of good.
Perfectionism is the enemy of good enough.
of getting it done.
of greatness.
of creativity.
of progress.
of achievement.
Perfectionism is the enemy of everything.
And, contrary to what perfectionism would have you believe, it cannot let you control or ensure or see the future. It will not keep you safe.
/Survivalism/ is your friend.
Survivalism doesn't give a shit about your debt or the next grade you'll make on that test. Survivalism doesn't care if you've put the butter back in the fridge the correct way. Survivalism doesn't worry about if you succeed in attaining your degree.
But survivalism does allow for a focus on /getting it done/. And, frankly, that is the only thing you need to think about. Getting it done. Because worrying about the rest will kill you.
My friend and I very recently had a conversation in which he (an MD and PhD major - yes, you read that right: he's both an MD PhD) told me that he is a survivalist - that his focus is simply on accomplishing things. As long as they get done, he's happy. Following this, he was able to put perfectionism's inefficiency into terms that were easily understandable.
He said that when you read a book, on average, in the first reading you retain something like 60% of the information. Upon the next reading, you then retain an extra 20%. Upon the third, another 10%. And so on. He pointed out that, although you may eventually get to 100%, it's not worth the time spent in reaching 100%. He said that in the lab he works with impure elements all the time because there is simply not enough time to purify all chemicals before using them. So, you make a note, such as, "I am using 80% purified such-and-such chemical."
This example puts into very real terms the problem of perfectionism. Though you may be able to get something perfect, the amount of time required in perfecting each and every moment isn't worth it. No experiment would ever get done if pure chemicals were required. So, the point then is to GET IT DONE, rather than get it done perfectly.
Thus, it is not about knowing the future. It is about doing enough for the now.
It is about getting it done.
It is about surviving.
But in grad school, in that often isolating cage, it is so tempting to go the other way, and I think this is something that many articles on mental health and grad school miss. Perfectionism is something easy to sink into in graduate school. Fear is easy to sink into. Because in the US, school isn't free, and there's no guarantee that any of it - the debt or the degree - will ever come to fruition.
And there's no safety net if, say, two years into law school, you realize it's not for you, or that you're dying from the coursework, or you need a break for your mental health. So you don't take the break, and then all sorts of terrible icky thoughts sink down deep into you.
That's the way it often goes.
Because the world kinda sucks.
My Biology II teacher in high school was told by one of her students, "You could have been a doctor. You're definitely smart enough to get through med school. You could have saved lives."
Her response was, "I save lives by convincing people not to become doctors."
How apt.
And it's a good point to make.
I suppose my own point is this: If you're going through grad school, and you're living an unsustainable life, do this: Don't focus on perfecting the day. Focus on just surviving it.
Oh, and if you can, go to school part time.
There. That's my two cents.
Addendum: I came across this article on the 23rd on perfectionism and Madison Holleran - https://www.yahoo.com/parenting/when-...
The point they miss is perfectionism vs. survivalism. They don't discuss how one saves and one kills.
So, here is my two cents.
I believe that perfectionism is our attempt to know the future. It is an attempt to write our autobiography in advance. After all, if you know you have done something perfectly, then there is no longer a need to worry about how everything will eventually play out. It's done before it's done.
Worry derives from the fact that we cannot know. Perfectionism is the attempt to know or, rather, ensure.
Grad school is a big step. School, in general, is a big step. I remember speaking with the mother of my host family in Germany. She told me that high school in Germany is far more intensive and stressful than it is in America. Her senior year, she woke up one day dizzy and deaf. Her mother took her to see a doctor. After an examination, he said that it was the stress of finals that had done that to her. That, because of stress, she had lost her hearing.
Imagine that. Age seventeen, age eighteen. And, already, you are temporarily deaf from stress. Or, perhaps more accurately, deaf from perfectionism. Later on, she got the highest score possible on her finals. Of course, that perfect score ended up being a double-edged sword.
She said her teacher - to make life kinder for her - marked her down as having scored at the second best level. Why? Because those who got perfect scores were suspected of cheating and were required to take their test again. Her teacher knew she hadn't cheated, and she knew her health was suffering from stress, so in order to help her, she marked her down as having done second to best. Because she was listed as having the second to highest score, there was no suspicion of cheating. No more testing. My host family mother, at age seventeen or eighteen, could sit down and rest. Get her hearing and balance back.
Perfectionism will kill you.
The US high schools don't put that kind of pressure on students, but US colleges and - in particular - grad schools can. Under pressure, everything becomes meaningful. Everything becomes stressed.
And the money. Oh the money that is required to go to school. The fear is enough to kill you.
For four years of undergrad and two years of an MA, one can easily go into $95,000 of debt at just a Tier 2 school. That's enough to cause a heart attack.
And the worst thing possible is always: you don't know if you'll make it. Every new year of school is new. You have never experienced the next level before.
Oh, what you will do to make sure you'll make it through. Oh what you would do to make sure that your debt is not wasted.
Some women sell their eggs to pay for law school. You can get up to $150,000 for selling your eggs.
This stress over money and time and degree is where perfectionism comes in. How do I know that my money and time and energy won't be wasted? If I perfect everything. Every little study moment, every little test, every little quiz, every little paper. All I have to do is perfect all the tiny things, and I won't have to worry about the larger portion - the debt, the degree - anymore.
This is where obsessive-compulsiveness grows. And the internal thought can unravel into something like this: As long as, say, the butter is put back in the fridge just perfectly, then the study moment will go perfectly, and if the study moment goes perfectly, then you know you'll pass the class, you'll get your degree.
And as long as everything else goes back in the fridge perfectly, then the butter can go back in perfectly, then the study moment will go perfectly, and if the study moment goes perfectly, then you know you'll pass the class, you'll get your degree.
This is how perfectionism kills you. And grad school is a Petri dish for perfectionism. It grows there like none other. And that is why some students turn suicidal. That is why there is a plethora of mental unbalance.
Because, what it comes down to is, we want to know we can get our degrees. We want to know that the debt will be worth it. Because there is no safety net. There is no safety net if we fail.
We seek perfectionism, because we want to know the future. And, to know the future, we are willing to lose our hearing, our balance, our low blood pressure, our sanity, and sometimes, even our lives.
This is why people in grad school go insane.
Not only this, but think of the isolation. The cage you're in. Perfectionism is isolating. So is school. Sitting down to read and read and read and write and write and write is isolating. And, according to George Monbiot, this kind of loneliness is killing us: http://www.theguardian.com/commentisf...
And this loneliness can cause addictions to alcohol, gambling, drugs, etc. For me and many others, the addiction during school was shopping. My friend's boyfriend never spent so much money on shirts and camping equipment and watches and ties as when he faced the bar exam. I never spent so much money on clothes as when I was facing my thesis and coursework for my MA. And there is a fantastic article on loneliness/the-awful-cage-we're-stuck-in and these addictions that you can read here:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/johann-...
And if you're one of the ones that has gone through this, and you're looking for a way back out, there is an answer, but it isn't going to be pretty. And you will rail against it with all of your heart, because the answer will not tell you the future you so desperately seek to know. The answer will not assure you that the debt will be worth it, or that you can pay your debt, or that you'll survive and attain your degrees. The answer to your misery will not ensure an A on that next test.
The answer is survivalism.
Perfectionism is the enemy of good.
Perfectionism is the enemy of good enough.
of getting it done.
of greatness.
of creativity.
of progress.
of achievement.
Perfectionism is the enemy of everything.
And, contrary to what perfectionism would have you believe, it cannot let you control or ensure or see the future. It will not keep you safe.
/Survivalism/ is your friend.
Survivalism doesn't give a shit about your debt or the next grade you'll make on that test. Survivalism doesn't care if you've put the butter back in the fridge the correct way. Survivalism doesn't worry about if you succeed in attaining your degree.
But survivalism does allow for a focus on /getting it done/. And, frankly, that is the only thing you need to think about. Getting it done. Because worrying about the rest will kill you.
My friend and I very recently had a conversation in which he (an MD and PhD major - yes, you read that right: he's both an MD PhD) told me that he is a survivalist - that his focus is simply on accomplishing things. As long as they get done, he's happy. Following this, he was able to put perfectionism's inefficiency into terms that were easily understandable.
He said that when you read a book, on average, in the first reading you retain something like 60% of the information. Upon the next reading, you then retain an extra 20%. Upon the third, another 10%. And so on. He pointed out that, although you may eventually get to 100%, it's not worth the time spent in reaching 100%. He said that in the lab he works with impure elements all the time because there is simply not enough time to purify all chemicals before using them. So, you make a note, such as, "I am using 80% purified such-and-such chemical."
This example puts into very real terms the problem of perfectionism. Though you may be able to get something perfect, the amount of time required in perfecting each and every moment isn't worth it. No experiment would ever get done if pure chemicals were required. So, the point then is to GET IT DONE, rather than get it done perfectly.
Thus, it is not about knowing the future. It is about doing enough for the now.
It is about getting it done.
It is about surviving.
But in grad school, in that often isolating cage, it is so tempting to go the other way, and I think this is something that many articles on mental health and grad school miss. Perfectionism is something easy to sink into in graduate school. Fear is easy to sink into. Because in the US, school isn't free, and there's no guarantee that any of it - the debt or the degree - will ever come to fruition.
And there's no safety net if, say, two years into law school, you realize it's not for you, or that you're dying from the coursework, or you need a break for your mental health. So you don't take the break, and then all sorts of terrible icky thoughts sink down deep into you.
That's the way it often goes.
Because the world kinda sucks.
My Biology II teacher in high school was told by one of her students, "You could have been a doctor. You're definitely smart enough to get through med school. You could have saved lives."
Her response was, "I save lives by convincing people not to become doctors."
How apt.
And it's a good point to make.
I suppose my own point is this: If you're going through grad school, and you're living an unsustainable life, do this: Don't focus on perfecting the day. Focus on just surviving it.
Oh, and if you can, go to school part time.
There. That's my two cents.
Addendum: I came across this article on the 23rd on perfectionism and Madison Holleran - https://www.yahoo.com/parenting/when-...
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Jimmy
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Jan 27, 2015 09:53AM
Brilliant advice! I wish someone had told me this something like 35 years ago. I was only in elementary school then, but was quickly moving toward the road to perfectionism. I'll definitely be suggesting my children read this because you don't have to wait until grad school for perfectionism to become a problem.
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You're right. Perfectionism is the kind of problem that can occur at any point in someone's life. I should have mentioned that. For me, it popped up in undergrad, and it decreased in grad school because I realized how problematic it was. But I have seen many many people around me continue to answer its beck and call.I was thinking about it more today, and another way of looking at perfectionism might be living by way of string theory. That is, I can control fifty years down the line if I simply do this one thing today. It is an attempt to build Rome (fifty years in the future) in a day by controlling/creating the perfect day. It is not a sustainable way of living.
Survivalism can be a theoretical let down because it doesn't hold the promise of building Rome in a day, and it doesn't promise the total and utter control of one's life, but it is realistic. It doesn't create magical thinking (if I do this, something else will magically result). Survivalism requires the acknowledgment that you aren't always the driver of your life. Sometimes you're the passenger. And that's okay.
I am super super glad this was helpful, and I'm really thankful for your comment.
