I’m Not Happy and I’m Ashamed

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So it’s January and I’m not happy and I’m ashamed. I’m scared to ask for help, scared to talk to the people involved in case I make the situation worse, scared to admit what a burden the problem has become, scared of the weight I’m carrying and ashamed to admit the problem publicly.

Deep breath. Credit card debt. Yes. I’m carrying round a great big fat wodge of debt that sucks me dry no matter how much I work. There. I said it.

Wow, I feel better already. I also feel better because I followed the advice on Martin’s Money Advice website (or whatever it’s called) and just emailed three of my credit cards to ask them if they can offer me a better rate of interest. (I’ll let you know.) Perhaps unsurprisingly the very worst one (i.e. rate of interest card) is extremely hard to get hold of - can’t seem to email, can’t seem to get hold of them on the phone...

But... I’ve done SOMETHING! I’ve taken the first step on that journey of a thousand miles.

Being unhappy is not the worst thing in the world and one thing I know is that that January unhappiness, whether it’s work, fitness, finance or dating is absolutely ESSENTIAL to getting to that point of saying “No, no more - I’ve had enough I’m getting out!!” Sometimes that little extra push of negativity is what we need to send us off fighting in a more positive direction.

Unfortunately when we’re already in a bad situation the sense of shame, the sense of being worn down, the sense of being crap at fitness/dating/work/finance can hold us back from helping ourselves. That sense of fear that others will see and judge what we’ve done can be paralysing.

Who else has been in a bad job where you feel you have to stay because “there are no jobs out there”/ “no one else will hire me”/ “I’m not good enough to get a better job” / “how can I explain that I’ve been in this dead end job for 5 years” - then you leave and discover that none of it is true.

Or in a bad relationship where you are so worn down that you don’t have the energy to leave or move out or you don’t want to admit to the world that you’re getting divorced or split up. And so it just gets worse.

When the boat feels like it’s sinking it’s terrifying to rock it - but sometimes we just got to knock that boat right over and start swimming to shore!

There are ways out of shame:

Remembering the courage it took you to even start to deal with the problem.

Realising that others are in the same boat (and you usually don’t have to look far to find people worse off than you!)

Admitting the problem and asking for help.

Taking a step - even if it is a baby one or even just resisting a step backwards.

But the truth is that when you start dealing with a problem you are probably going to bump into people who think it’s okay to judge you. Not everyone, but someone will say something along the lines of “how did you get yourself in this mess”? So, right now, kindly, honestly, ask yourself that same question.

I have a mass of credit card debt because...

I left well paying jobs because they were messing with my health - mental/physical/spiritual.

I left my last job in the middle of the biggest recession and decided to retrain in something I had no previous knowledge of.

I spend as much as I can on looking great, sounding great, training, physio, massage, escapes, marketing materials and eating well to support what I do. (And visiting friends, family and boyfriend too - people are important.)

...and many more reasons I’m proud of but don’t want to brag about.

I also have this debt because I’ve not taken action sooner because I thought I could handle it and chip away at it by myself.

I know that when I have been at my most unfit it was for all the right reasons. I still felt ashamed when an instructor “looked me over” in the gym. I know that you are all on your own journey and I’m not here to judge or scold anyone, just support you on that journey.

That’s my journey - I am where I am and I can honestly look back and say I appreciate my “mistakes” or have learnt from real mistakes, and I think as soon as you can do that you can start to move forward. Leave the shame at the door and start improving the situation whatever it is.

I have two books about money on my desk right now, and there is no shortage of advice online, so I’m going to start taking it, using it and hopefully this time next month (let alone next year) I will be a little less unhappy with the situation and, well, after sharing with you guys I definitely feel less ashamed (thanks for listening).

Much love, Pearl x