Wanderings and Wonderings
With chest pains so acute and living alone A & E was where I ended up yesterday. 5 hours an ECG and chest x-ray. Apparently I was good to go.
I thought I was anything but that.
An early morning call to the doctor, who incidentally was not mine as he has disappeared off the face of the earth and his practice which still carries his name. Nobody wanted to discuss where or why he no longer works there… Pretty ominous eh? I don’t mind admitting after a long and fearful night I was a quivering wreck by the time I got there… So, I get to see the resident nurse, resident in my doctor’s office and after three failed attempts at getting a blood pressure reading.we gave up. Every time the armband inflated it quickly deflated again like a pierced balloon. If I hadn’t been feeling so off, I might even have laughed… But apparently that’s not a good thing to happen. I think she understood that my scarlet eyeballs, hands and face indicated something not right and she referred me for an immediate appointment with a doctor…
A nice guy, he doesn’t like women much. He’s not gay or anything but having been taken for £500,000 by his ex-wife he was clearly not a big fan of relationships beyond the odd dinner date. Now he is the only partner in the practice I guess he won’t have much time for that either. 18 years and *boom* she got up and left him. He repeated the sum several times, on the odd occasion changing the term with emphasis and a pained squint to half a million pounds. In fact he did most of the talking. I guess he had the nurses notes in front of him so didn’t need me to say anything. The outcome after some serious talking… I was informed I will not be going back to work for at least two weeks, a crushing blow to be honest. I was handed a sick chit and a prescription. The irony being the three pharmacies I stumbled away too did not have the medication. I couldn’t even pronounce its name… Back to the surgery I went. Thankfully he was still there and whilst his secretary confirmed with other pharmacies/contacts that none was available he hurriedly re-wrote the script to something I do recognise and don’t like… Diazepam, quite a lot of it, so much so I have to go back to the pharmacy tomorrow to collect the rest of it… Simply not enough in stock.
I have calmed down quite a lot today as you can imagine… in fact I headed up to see the estate management people and was feeling woosie by the time I left. I haven’t managed to mention this before for security reasons, but it would seem I still pack a lot of physical strength. A few days ago literally ripping the front door handle off my flat was not a good thing and during that time I have literally been unable to lock the door… This added to my anxiety as anybody could have simply walked in. At 4pm a carpenter turned up and hey presto I’m secure again.
On the way back from their office I visited the supermarket to buy some fruit, milk etc. I was literally at the exit, basket in hand, before having the Eureka moment… Perhaps I ought to go back in and pay. Like I said woosie, very nearly whoopsie! Served by that very same nice lass with the smile made me wish I was 20 years younger. Make no mistake I didn’t look good but the smile was maintained… I left the shop sheepishly, and aimed for home. I crossed the road several times, I don’t think I looked left or right at any junction… I guess I have retained some luck, returned to the flat before deciding to head out for a walk.
My recent plan was simply to survive Christmas and The New Year without going potty. Working got me through that entire period… It’s when I stop that my mind fries, brain goes into hyperdrive and with all the wrong information. It should be about my book, but it’s about pain, loss, fear and for some time now, sleep deprivation in a big way! I saw my loss twice today whilst out on my walk. I was walking one way she was driving the other, then when I got to the end of the stretch of road and turned to go home, it happened again but again facing opposite directions about 5 minutes later. I was on the road I follow to work, force of habit… Then it struck me it’s Monday, singing lessons for her daughter, I wondered how they were coming along!
A bit like Forrest Gump, I have taken to walking in a big way recently; 5km to work, 5km back and very often another 10km or more during the day. There’s not so many places one can walk, Up roads, down roads, around the shopping precinct through the park, big circuits often in ever increasing circles… I often wonder if I set off South how long it might take to walk it and even if I’d make it, I guess it’s a couple of hundred miles… With military training I’d probably get there in one piece, though it’s not a good time of year for such a trip, too darned cold and I’m simply too old for such conditions. So, ever increasing circles will have to do for now with the safety and home comfort of central heating never too far away. Perhaps like Forrest I should start running though I was never very good at it.
I do see an awful lot on my walks, some pleasant others really not so… The drivers of Chorley go to fast. Boy racers rip through the streets at alarming speed, spinning their wheels and revving their engines to seek attention or thrill. Perhaps they just don’t know the cost of tyres!
Tonight’s walk took me across several zebra crossings, not one car stopped and they went through at breakneck speed. I’ve seen that a lot overseas but that infection has grown incredibly over here in the last few years. Murphy’s law is that the ones who do stop appear grieved at why the pedestrian’s treacherous walk hasn’t taken place and that they are being held up. It’s a lose lose for the pedestrian, take your life into their hands or stress them out!
It was icy out too and my memory of Traffic Operations had me witness too many road kills on pavements, hard shoulders and in laybys, especially in the winter months when the sun is low in the sky, glare is high and gritted roads throw up so much dirt onto windscreens. It’s no surprise that being a pedestrian these days makes me nervous, so often I do circuits of the precinct. It’s not big! LOL. The increasing number of circuits may account for the quite odd stares I’ve been getting of late, or maybe the rumours of my frog hopping down the centre of the road have just reached all corners of the town already.
So wandering aimlessly I ponder the future, people watch whilst on the move. I see people holding hands, laughing, hugging in the street. I miss all of that tremendously. Princess Diana was a big advocate of, amongst other things, hugging. She was right… For some of us it’s almost essential to feeling loved and cared for. I watched the bustle of the market, traders shouting about their wondrous goods. People standing outside pubs smoking…freezing, a unique tolerance to the weather! I noticed more than ever today the massive reductions of 70% off retail products. I ask myself; Is this still January sales or a sign of how desperate many shopkeepers are and, my goodness, such mark ups in the first place. The UK is such an expensive place to live and wages simply are not proportional to prices. It’s a bit of a shambles! Market Street is being repaved, Oh no, they’re almost at my end of it, They’re digging with JCB and heavy plant, the noise today made the builders next door appear to be angels. A phone call from my sitting room was inaudible due to the noise. At least they finished at 5pm… Next door they’re still at it. They must be well behind schedule. The carpenter who fixed the door knows their team, he says they’re a long way off completion… He could tell from my accent I was not from around here and asked why I was here… A woman.
Funny creatures women, he announced. Mine up and left after 18 years… 18 years! No explanation, still don’t know why. The words echoed of my Doctor’s appointment. Twice in one day, I was drawn into another tale and the words never again were uttered from his lips… It would be nice to hear some good news about those who appear to hold all the cards, perhaps I should talk to more women! The doctor had concluded in such circumstances 90% of cases there were always third parties involved, either offering seeds of advice, destructive advice and usually for a selfish reason for their own ends. People don’t try anymore to overcome problems, they often talk to the wrong people about them and take the easiest road out. I’m not suggesting remaining in destructive abusive relationships, but if people genuinely have no explanation, I am suggesting there is a path through discussion, understanding and compromise.
My parents will soon be arriving at the golden milestone of 50 years of marriage, already 50 years together. It’s not all been a bed of roses. But they’ve always talked and the older they get the more in love they appear to be. Those values appear to be lost. It’s a darned shame.
I’m off work for two weeks, unless something changes homeless in 11 days…a lot of thinking to be done in such a short period of time. Where to go, should I go, what to do etc… what do I want? I think there will be a lot of walking done in that time, soul searching and hopefully a bit of sleeping. I think I might go for another walk.
Apologies for such ramblings, but if I can’t talk, I’ll do the next best thing and write! Goodnight.
