Spam emails of the Marvel and DC Universes

Originally published April 19, 2002, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1483

My e-mail box is constantly being cluttered with useless material designed either to try and sell you something or else separate gullible people from their money. And it occurs to me that in the universes of comic books, probably the same thing happens. And it might well look something like this:

FROM: Kristoff Von Doom

Kristoff Von Doom is my name, the only son of Victor Von Doom, Monarch of Latveria, who was recently declared dead after being reduced to individual freefloating atoms. My source of your contact gave me the courage and confidence to rely on you. I am writing you in absolute confidence primarily to seek your assistance to transfer our cash of Fifty two trillion Latverian Bonds, equivalent to Twenty Eight Million Eight Hundred Thousand Dollars (US$28M800K000) now in the custody of a Private Safe Deposit Bank here in Latveria to your private account pending our arrival to your country, since raging crowds with pitchforks are making my long-term residence here very unlikely.

My late father, Victor Von Doom, Lord of the Realm, Absolute Monarch and Master of All he surveyed, a native of Eastern Europe, was the ruler of Latveria for many years. During that time he acquired much riches via income accrued from overpayments, back-breaking taxes upon his people who were too terrified to protest, and riches accumulated through various evil endeavors. Before the peak of the relentless feud between my peace loving father and the warlike acts of Reed Richards and his associates, Latveria was peaceful. Now my father has been atomized, and the country teeters on civil war as various factions struggle for power. My father had already made arrangement for his family—myself, two Doombots, and one other clone—to be evacuated to Abidjan, Cote d’Ivoire with our personal effects and the box containing the money through the aid of Damage Control evacuation team. My father deposited the box in a Private Safe Bank for the safe custody until after the war when he will hopefully be able to find a way to reintegrate his molecular form, or else perhaps effect a time traveling maneuver that will allow him to circumvent the temporal flow that led him to such dire straits.

However, as a result of my father’s current death, our hope of survival has been dashed. Now the clone and I are alone in this strange country. Without any relation, we are now refugees and orphans. To this effect, I humbly solicit your assistance in the followings ways.

–To transfer this money in your name to your country.

–To make a good arrangement for a joint business investment on our behalf in your country and you, the caretaker.

–To secure a college for my little sister and my self in your country to further our education.

–And to make arrangement for our travel with you to your country after you have transferred this fund. Evidence of the deposit are with me and will be released on request and proof of clear motive to assist.

I simply require from you all available deposit and account numbers from your personal accounts. In exchange for your helping us in this matter, you will receive ten percent of the funds the moment they are available to us. Also, we would further like to obtain DNA samples from you, in the event that we need to clone you should an unfortunate accident befall you but your continued presence is required.

Lastly I urge you to keep this transaction strictly confidential.

–Kristoff Von Doom

 * * *

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 * * *

Take my quiz: What Supervillain are you?

1) When you walk into a crowded party, the first thing you do is:

 

Use the Omega Effect to clear a path for yourself
Laugh dementedly and challenge the host to pull your .45 caliber finger
Allow the Secret Service to secure the room
Step on the other guests.

 

2) You never need to worry about acne because:

 

You wear a mask 24/7
Your face is made out of rock
You sport deathly white make-up
None would dare to look upon your countenance lest they die

 

3) Your greatest enemy is:

 

Yourself
Spider-Man
Superman
You are above such concepts as “enemies”

 

4) Complete the following: “I am a Force—”

 

“—of Nature”
“—to be reckoned with”
“—of evil, centuries old, unknowable and unstoppable”
“—of habit.”

 

5) When scheming, your primary goal is to get–

 

power, on a worldwide or even cosmic level
wealth beyond imagining
revenge everlasting

 

6) Your primary costume color scheme is–

 

Green
Purple
Glistening armor
A dark blue Armani suit

 

7) You are master of—

 

–an entire country filled with trembling subjects
–an entire cosmos filled with planets that are your playthings.
–every form of combat known to man
–your domain.

 

8) Have you ever reformed?

 

Yes, but it was a trick to try and confuse Batman
Yes, but you were lured back into your criminal life
Only in the sense that you were discorporated and reconstructed yourself
You are above such concepts as “good” and “evil.”

 

9) What was the worst defeat you ever suffered?

 

Being reduced to infancy
Having the crap kicked out of you by the Thing
Having the crap kicked out of you by Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Being snubbed by the GOP

 

10) Your greatest weapon is your…

 

Cosmic Rod
Staggering intellect combined with brute strength
Manic unpredictability
Devastatingly witty repartee

 

/Press HERE to submit/

 

You are:

Galactus—Virtually everyone and everything is beneath you. You are not even technically a villain. You are, and have been, and always will be…not unlike Rock and Roll.

Darkseid—You fear nothing and no one. Your rule is absolute. You will triumph over that fool, Orion, and eventually the Anti-Life equation will be yours. And nobody stands with his hands draped behind his back quite like you.

The Green Goblin—Whether you’re Harry Osborn, Norman Osborn, or Willem DaFoe, you can be counted on to give the wallcrawler a miserable time…if you’re not being killed or losing your memory.

The Joker—Villainy is very personal for you. It would be pointless without the Batman to combat. You cackle dementedly for no reason, and only you could make that ensemble work.

Lex Luthor—You’ve pulled off the ultimate coup. You are the supreme villain and yet you’re legitimately running the United States of America. It just doesn’t get more smugness-enducing than that.

Doctor Doom—You have a streak of nobility and tragedy wider than the Mississippi. You are so above the fray that, half the time, no one knows if they’re fighting you or a robot.

A Lone Wanker—Yes, you’re one of the three nerds currently endeavoring to terrorize Sunnydale in about as pathetic a manner as anyone has ever seen, and epitomizing the lameness that is the current season of “Buffy.” Probably you’re Jonathan.

* * *

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(Peter David, writer of stuff, can be written to at Second Age, Inc., P.O. Box 239, Bayport, NY 11705.)