Christy Writes: Nodding at the People I Used to Be

The new year, as is its wont, has me feeling introspective. Last year, in fact the past few years, have been full of learning and growth and self-discovery for me. So that means, of course, that I tend to look back over my shoulder at all the mes I used to be, hoping they won’t catch up.

It’s hard to, as Joan Didion says we should, keep on nodding terms with the people we used to be, whether we like them or not. At least I find it hard. There are mes I would be just as happy to never see again, much less acknowledge with even a nod. It’s not that I don’t see them coming – they’re hard to miss, especially as mine either tend to have big 80s hair and be dressed in neon, or be visibly drunk. Or, on an occasional very bad day, both.

But the implication of avoiding who we used to be is that there’s something fundamentally or entirely wrong with those people. Particularly when you’ve come through a period of growth, it’s easy to want to view who we used to be as the “before” photo in a hideous advertisement, someone to be avoided, or even quietly mocked.

Lately I’ve begun to feel the wisdom in Joan Didion’s advice, and have stopped ducking the people I used to be. There were things about them I liked, things they did that were so awesome, and things they learned that I carry with me still. I may not be the same person now en toto, but to turn my back on the old mes now would be to negate everything that brought me to this moment in time. I’m not always proud of who I used to be, but if I’m being honest, I’m not always proud of who I am now either. It’s all part of being a work in progress.

For the last few years, my focus has changed from being someone who wants to belong (the fervent prayer of every teenager) to someone who doesn’t care if I don’t belong, because if I look around and realize I don’t fit in, all that means is there’s a void out there somewhere waiting for me to fill it. Finding that spot is half the fun. Who wants to stay where they don’t fit? I don’t need that kind of blister on my spirit. But if I can’t look back at the people I used to be and acknowledge what they’ve taught me along the way, I’ll never really know who I am now, and where I fit.

All the versions of me I used to be are only embarrassing if I’m embarrassed by them. I know people who get absolutely furious if someone mentions some bad habit or blush-inducing moment they once had. I don’t see the point in that. Pretending you never grew out of anything will only keep you from future growth. Every day, every moment, is a new launching pad. A fresh start. So happy new year, from all the old mes, and all the mes still to come.

 

Christ Church, Oxford University

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