Bring on the Vats of Snake-Oil - TV Debate time is here

Let’s hope David Cameron sticks to his daft insistence that he won’t take part in a TV election debate unless the Greens are there too.  I’m always amused by the claims of toadying commentators that Mr Cameron has a sure touch, a brilliant mind, etc. etc. There is no evidence that this is so, and never has been. He has played a bad hand badly, and if it were not for his only real skill –public relations – and the willingness of so many in the media to be gulled by him, he would long ago have been pushed to the side of the road and left there to rust.

 

He is almost singlehandedly responsible for the transformation of UKIP from marginal Dad’s Army to semi-mainstream Dad’s Army. He is close to a genius at picking fights with his own constituency which do not (as planned ) gain him support among BBC types and Guardian readers, but which do severely alienate former Tory voters and members. He seems mesmerised by a desire to gain and keep the support of the Murdoch Press, which will (as it always has done) toady to him while he is in office, and drop him as soon as it is sure he is a loser.

 

Now he has misjudged the TV debates issue. Even I, a person who is interested in politics and needs to know what is going on, strive to stop my mind wandering  (nay, not just wandering but happily packing a picnic and setting off on a long hike, perhaps stopping for a while at a picturesque pub or tearoom) during these events.

 

They are by their nature very boring, as there really isn’t very much left to say on any of the subjects that come up. Worse, there isn’t a  major politician in England who can put on a compelling personal performance that you would want to watch for its own sake.

 

 

This isn’t true of Alex Salmond, who is at least interesting to watch, or of George Galloway, perhaps the last proper political orator at large in Britain. But both are Scottish, and neither is in the mainstream of English politics. Some people go on about Al ’Boris’ Johnson, but can I be the only one who finds the performance (for such it is) wears a little thin after the first four or five times? Whenever he does admit to having thought about something, the results are generally banal and conventional.

 

Properly handled, and with close attention paid to the maxim ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit News’, these events will have no effect at all on the outcome of the election. Messrs Cameron, Miliband and Clegg all have teams of helpers who can realistically rehearse the likely clashes, and give them a pretty good idea of the traps that they might tumble into.  It is out of these rehearsals that those ‘spontaneous’ , snappy one-liners emerge.

 

Mr Cameron may have a bit to fear from Nigel Farage, but not all that much. Mr Farage has already gained all he is going to gain this side of 2015, and perhaps as much as he ever will, depending on what happens next. Because he is his party’s only asset and because he has no long-term tribal vote on which to fall back, he has the most to lose from a bungled encounter. He could actually lose the war for UKIP in an evening .

 

Like a theoretically powerful fleet-in-being whose implied menace keeps its foes at bay, he is probably better off staying in port and keeping his reputation for power intact, rather than risking all on the High Seas, when one lucky shot could send him gurgling to the bottom.

 

Besides which, having had one lot of leader’s debates (even if they didn’t actually enjoy them much, or learn much from them) the British viewing public now regard them as a sort of Human Right. To deny them this benefit is to look crabby and shifty and dishonest.

 

But how does Mr Cameron get himself out of his fix, unless he climbs down and makes his previous stance look silly? It is difficult, but not impossible. He’s climbed down lots of times before. But this time it will depend to some extent on how willing the others are to help him. Mr Farage, who I suspect thinks he will do very well , even though he probably won’t, is likely to be the keenest on a deal. Mr Clegg, who knows nothing can save him anyway, less so; Mr Miliband, who just isn’t telegenic,  is probably offering humanist prayers to the forces of history (or whoever humanists pray to, when they want a parking space or a promotion) that Mr Cameron carries on refusing, and the TV companies decide not to go ahead, with an empty podium where the premier ought to be.

 

If they do decide on the empty podium, may I suggest a large vat of hair-gel, where Mr Cameron would otherwise be standing, or a demijohn of snake-oil, if they can get hold of it at short notice?