Getting in Touch With My Inner Geezer

I have a birthday coming up shortly and, despite the obvious fact that it beats the alternative, I am not at all happy about it.
It’s one of those milestone birthdays, you see, the round kind, ending in zero. Modern convention holds that this particular age is “the new forty” but, assuming that is so, it is, nonetheless, a dodgy knee, stiff back and "can’t remember where I left the car keys" sort of forty.
Knowing this was in the offing, I began, some months ago, casting about for something new...