With a defense like this …
… who needs a prosecutor?
I’m all for brevity and efficiency in writing. Confusion often results when you try to cram too much information into one sentence. But journalists, especially headline writers, sometimes go too far.
In the olden days, newspapers (actually printed on paper) forced writers to fit limited spaces. “Column inches” were like expensive real estate that might be sold to advertisers. Paper-based journalism is still around, but shrinking, and its Internet cousin imposes space limitations of its own. As a result, writers have to pare their text down to bare bones. They start with a clear understanding of what they mean, but important words end up on the cutting room floor. And sometimes those discarded words make all the difference.
Writers misplace modifiers, substitute with short (and ambiguous) words, and omit critical information. Their articles and headlines provide us with a never-ending stream of funny items we can send to our friends or share in online forums.
Among my favorite “blooper” headlines:
Coal Miners Refuse to Work After Death
The article goes on to explain that a recent fatal mine accident makes workers fear for their lives. The miners believe the mine is unsafe, and will not return to work until the company implements some safety measures. For the sake of three letters, the writer chose “Death” instead of “Accident,” implying that the miners allowed a little thing like being dead to interfere with their duties. I could almost hear certain people saying, “Buncha sissies – that’s what you get for letting the unions in!”
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Apparently it was the farmer, not a cow with bovine spongiform encephalopathy, who had the ax here. But in the pursuit of brevity someone neglected to clarify that. If it had been the cow – without opposable thumbs – wielding the weapon, that would have been a different story. This version is two letters shorter: Cow Injures Wood-chopping Farmer.
Misleading articles and headlines with misplaced modifiers constitute another category of bloopers in print. Prepositional phrases are often the culprit, but you can’t blame them entirely. Poor things, they just do as they’re told and don’t choose where they’re placed.
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years at Checkout Counter
Turns out the sisters found each other, after an 18-year separation, in a chance encounter while shopping. But the headline implies that it took them 18 years in close proximity to realize they were sisters. You’d think one of them might have mentioned Crazy Aunt Ethel, or that foot with six toes, or some other family-specific tidbit. This version has fewer letters: Sisters Separated 18 Years, Reunite at Checkout Counter.
This one has to be my all-time favorite:
Oklahoma City bomber Timothy McVeigh was cremated and his ashes scattered at an undisclosed location after he was executed by his attorney …
This writer had no excuse. It was an article, not a tightly spaced headline. In trying to say that the attorney scattered the ashes, he implies legal services also included executing the defendant. One-stop shop. Save the taxpayers some money. No need for a prosecutor, judge, jury, and all that due process nonsense!
This whole thing could have been avoided by deleting the phrase “after he was executed.” He couldn’t have scattered ashes before the defendant was executed, now could he?
I don’t know about you, but if I needed a defense attorney, I’d think twice about calling this guy.
Just in case.
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