gillpolack @ 2015-01-09T09:34:00
Internet is still being nettish (a minor cousin to brattish, but no relation at all to nebbisch) and I'm short of sleep and very short of fuse. Too much heat and storm and grumbly humidity still. We get summers like this every three years and every three years I am not a nice person to be around.
It doesn't help when people tell me to be happy because life is improving. It's definitely improving, but happiness doesn't work that way. In the branch of Judaism I come from happiness comes from careful focus within oneself ie happiness doesn't work, but one works for happiness. My wider culture tells me that it comes from external (the people around you, the gifts life brings) so the two are in major conflict. I woke up after a dream that clearly demonstrated why I am a failure on the happiness front for the wider Australian society and that it's not my fault. That's nice to know. It's nicer to know that it's all irrelevant if I go back to my cultural roots. I can find happiness in my work, in small joys, even in the rain if only I rely on myself and not on the world being nice to me. Placing one of my cultures above the other isn't as easy as it sounds, however.
The big things outside (Paris, for instance) I'm not taking about much. I need to process them. They are not the stuff of happiness in any of my cultures.
My news-that-has-been-lurking-for-months is one step closer to being announceable. It is neither fiction nor a job. It is, however, one step closer to Schroedinger's Gillian being a known quantity. If this happens, then all I need is that job and I will cease to be one of life's variables. From your end, it's more watching of this space, I'm afraid. From my end it would be nice if I could sleep before overworking, but it's not going to happen. Today is too stuffy and my mind is too busy.
It doesn't help when people tell me to be happy because life is improving. It's definitely improving, but happiness doesn't work that way. In the branch of Judaism I come from happiness comes from careful focus within oneself ie happiness doesn't work, but one works for happiness. My wider culture tells me that it comes from external (the people around you, the gifts life brings) so the two are in major conflict. I woke up after a dream that clearly demonstrated why I am a failure on the happiness front for the wider Australian society and that it's not my fault. That's nice to know. It's nicer to know that it's all irrelevant if I go back to my cultural roots. I can find happiness in my work, in small joys, even in the rain if only I rely on myself and not on the world being nice to me. Placing one of my cultures above the other isn't as easy as it sounds, however.
The big things outside (Paris, for instance) I'm not taking about much. I need to process them. They are not the stuff of happiness in any of my cultures.
My news-that-has-been-lurking-for-months is one step closer to being announceable. It is neither fiction nor a job. It is, however, one step closer to Schroedinger's Gillian being a known quantity. If this happens, then all I need is that job and I will cease to be one of life's variables. From your end, it's more watching of this space, I'm afraid. From my end it would be nice if I could sleep before overworking, but it's not going to happen. Today is too stuffy and my mind is too busy.
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