'I've got the gush!'

My unwiedly, barely stable literary empire - constantly under attack from the politically correct, the humourless, my own apathy and those silly lifeforms who get offended by things that have been made up - has expanded even further to include ebooks. Where will it all end? Probably in a prison cell next to a six-foot-six convict in a blonde wig who likes to be called Barbara.

The cost of this bold new publishing venture is quite reasonable - your daughter's virginity, although Amazon will also accept the more traditional payments of a few bucks/quid.

Those gooey, heartwarming tales English Toss on Planet Andong, Manic Streets of Perth and Looking for Sarah Jane Smith can be sent to your Kindle or phone. A free application can also be downloaded to enable them to be scoffed at on your home computer.

Visit http://www.amazon.co.uk/s?_encoding=U...

To Dare a Future and Girls Like Funny Boys will be added soon.

I look forward to meeting your daughter.