The Contest Challenge Of Debunking The Stereotypical Romance With A Story Of True Love…

 

While I was enjoying a beverage last night and thinking about my next giveaway I came up with this idea. Actually Honey reminded me about something I used to do in college which inspired the idea. *Insert disclaimer here* Honey said I had to give him credit so… *le sigh* consider him being generously credited! Now onto the good stuff.

It occurred to me that I have had a run on beautiful and feisty heroines with their hunkier than hunkster heroes for far too long. So I’ve decided to do a contest where we deconstruct the romance novel with *I hope* some help from you guys. Yep, it’s true. Once a week on this blog I’m going to add a scene to my (I’m borrowing from Seinfeld here) bizarro world of romance.

Here’s the deal. Normally a perfect title would be Beloved Captive, but not in bizarro world. I’m thinking… ah, The Unloved Wanderer. Perfect. Now, *cracks knuckles* heroine’s attributes. In the real writing world my gals are usual of below-average height, curvy with nice sized breasts and features that are either adorable or stunning, or in some cases both. In this bizarro world? I’m thinking this heroine has to be six foot two with a size fourteen shoe. Well, either that or the next size up, the box. She has numerous curves. Unfortunately they’re just not in the right places. Things that curve on her?  Her spine, fingers, and even her toes that crookedly curl upward. As for her features? Easy. Rat-like beady eyes, Durante type big nose, and lips so thin, it looks as if her face is eating them. That is until she smiles when her “could eat corn-on-the-cobb through a picket fence teeth that have nothing on Bugs Bunny” make one realize those lips are to be commended for the job they’re doing hiding all the snaggle. Eek!

Now, normally at this point in the writing process I would detail what kind of skin she has, hair color, and some other super special things – mannerisms or habits — but with this I think I’ll make it a point to leave those to my hero to introduce to the reader.

Now for the hero. *takes a deep breath* I’m thinking he has to be five-foot-one on a tall day, he’ll have a size six shoe, and have soft little dove eyes. Maybe with the cutest pertly turned up nose, and ruddy cheeks. I love me some ruddy cheeks. Instead of the cut body with the six-pack stomach, he’s going to remind one of the StayPuff Marshmallow Man, only, you know, like his dwarf, troll-worthy cousin. Same white skin, same lumpy physique, but I want you to think squashed…no, squat. Ooh, nothing spells smexxy to me better than a dough boy with head-to-toe muffin tops. Rawr!

Alrighty, for the first scene next week? *pauses here to reflect upon a scenario* *Done* I’m thinking Larz (that’s the hero) spots Shermatta (his heroine who prefers to be called Sherm) at the local grocery store. It’s love at first sight for Larz when he seizes upon this hulking, yet unique creature of loveliness, pawing her way through a bushel of avocados. Unlike the rest of the patrons, he’s not repulsed, and can’t possibly turn away. He’s riveted by her linebacker moves and guttural grunts of dissatisfaction over the paltry fruit selection. This would explain why, when she snaps her head around and glares at him with those beady rat-like eyes, he’s done for because he’s always had a thing for rodents.

Unfortunately, Sherm doesn’t care much for people, men in particular. She’d rather talk to her parrot, Ezmeralda, as the bird repeats everything she says making her feel important, than share her time with the insignificant populous.

Poor Larz…

What I need each week is a laundry list of things to include in the next scene of The Unloved Wanderer. All you guys have to do is leave your brilliant suggestions in comments on one idea from the list, or on all of them, and I’ll sort through your suggestions and come up with the funny. Again, with your help.

Here’s the list for their first meeting when Larz approaches Sherm.

1. He needs an excuse. Maybe he’s found the perfect avocado for her, or maybe he’s worried she’s going to trip on her wilted stocking that has come loose from its garter and is pooled around her swollen ankle like a worm curled up dead in the grass after a pesticide treatment.

2. We need a good reason she rebuffs him. Maybe he’s too virile for her. Or too threatening. Maybe he has an accent she doesn’t trust, or his nose is too big.

3. We need something to happen that brings them together. Maybe the power goes off in the store and Larz is frightened in the dark, or maybe Sherm plucks a fruit off the stand and all of them scatter, but before Larz falls from having to skate over them Sherm catches him and he cleaves to her ample, if not miss-proportionate, bosom.

4. The last is the wild card. Give me something. Anything. A word, a thought, a physical characteristic, a problem, and if it’s something I can work in, I will.

We’ll do five weeks where I’ll post the basic scenario between Lars and Sherm and their budding relationship. Every time you leave a comment your name will be dropped in the hat and when we’re done with our Nobel Prize winning romance, I’ll be drawing from the hat. The winner will get this, *see below* with extras stuff added each week when I post the next portion of The Unloved Wanderer.

Questions? Feel free to post here or email me. Otherwise, dig deep. Can you imagine what Larz does for a living? What about Sherm? After reading her bio above, I’d probably make her a Hallmark greeting card writer, or the department head of  “Beauty Is Our Motto” customer service. Lol!

I do have a question for you guys. Would you want to read each scene every week as I wrote them, or would rather I write the whole story and then posted it at the end of the five weeks when the winner is chosen? Let me know. Either in comments or email. This is going to be fun!

So far we have two signed print copies of my books and the mystery box. I love the shmancy box, and before we’re done with The Unloved Wander you’ll get to see what’s inside it.

Riley