Things US expats want for Christmas

Photo: Katy Kildee

1. For the American craft-beer revolution to be a global phenomenon

I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with San Miguel in the Philippines or Mosi in Zambia — they’re (usually) cold, wet, and dirt-cheap. And, due to the fairly low alcohol content, these local lagers can give you real staying power on a night out. Plus let’s not forget that shitty beer can be just as effective as an enema when you’re a little backed up.

But shitty beer is a lot less tolerable after you’ve fallen in love with the hop-tastic goodness that America’s burgeoning craft-beer industry is churning out. When I do make it back stateside, I have the kind of beergasms that make me seriously question getting on my return flight.

On the plus side, when you do manage to track down truly good beer in a foreign country other than Belgium, it’s like drinking unicorn milk laced with ecstasy. The Hobbit House was my favorite bar in Manila, and that had nothing to do with the staff of Little People. They had Victory Golden Monkey. ‘Nuff said.

2. To be allowed in the Motherland for more than 35 days a year

To be fair, if I showed up now on our fair shores, it’s not like they’d turn me away. They’d welcome me with a standing ovation. But at stage left, there would be a sleazy looking accountant-type licking his lips and punching numbers into a calculator.

I don’t want to bore you with tax talk, so suffice it to say that Uncle Sam can come at a lot of us with his hand out if our time stateside (including connecting flights via US airports) isn’t calculated precisely. Thing is, planning travel isn’t exactly my strong suit unless I get points for screwing things up.

It boils down to a bunch of hard choices. Sure, a white Christmas and mom’s perogies are great, but the weather’s unpredictable and you could wind up grounded at Detroit International. Summer, in all its chlorophyll-drenched goodness, means camping and music festivals, but no football.

All I want for Christmas is to make an expat-shaped imprint in my parents’ couch, but I’m going to book a flight to Copenhagen and ask Santa for a UK passport instead. The Brits are allowed 91 days at home. Why did we fight so hard for independence again?

3. The gratis airline upgrade

As an ‘almost American,’ my frequent flier accounts are tied to hard-to-love US-based airlines with nose-diving mileage award charts (American, you said we’d be together forever?) and revenue-based requirements for status (Delta, it’s over). When Cathay Pacific gave me a full-size Hershey’s bar for dessert and Delta gave me a tenth of a Twix, I was that woman saying: “It’s not the size of the boat but the motion of the ocean, baby.” But no more. I have a greater chance of birthing a kayak than I do of getting an upgrade from my once ‘preferred’ carrier on an international flight.

4. For an American grocery story to materialize in our temporary homeland

Whether you’re a vegan in a soy cheese-free nation craving quesadillas, or you’re like me and believe that everything tastes better drenched in saturated fat (a.k.a, ranch dressing), there’s a totally unavailable food product that you fantasize about.

Being American abroad definitely makes you more creative in the kitchen, although that’s not always a good thing. The five-star breaded chicken entrée on allrecipes.com doesn’t taste quite the same if you mistake dried mint for parsley, and the closest thing you can find to breadcrumbs is stale rice cakes. Even Martha Stewart couldn’t make soy sauce from scratch in a post-Soviet republic.

Say what you want about the USA’s global military presence, if you’re in a country where we have a base, I envy you. Dear servicemen and women, I’m incredibly grateful for your sacrifice to protect our liberties. I’d also be grateful if we could pop into the PX to pick up some Velveeta shells ‘n cheese and taco seasoning. God bless America.