End of 2014 : Introspection

One lives and learns – with every breath one takes, every moment one lives, we are exposed to more learning.  That is if we are so inclined.  2014 was that kind of a year to me.

Some lessons I can share.  Others, of course are painful ones, that require a lot of balm and TLC before I can learn the lessons they have to teach.

I have an announcement to make :

I am a recovering Centre-Stage-Hogger.

I have finally lost relevance, both professionally and in my personal world.  It is a huge relief.  Let me explain.  At 26 my life was really cool.  I had a job where I was growing, learning new skills.  There came a time when nothing ever happened in my company without my inputs.  I felt important.  My pay packet doubled, then it went up four times.  I felt like a queen.  At home, I was the parent-in-charge.  My kids had lives that revolved around me.  Again nothing happened without my inputs.  Pretty powerful stuff all this is.

Do you know what happens?  You have an ego the size of an amphitheatre and you are constantly looking for validation.  That is what happens.

The downside is that you have less and less time to take care of yourself, since the world depends on you.

And then you burn out.

For me, the burn out was slow.  I did not collapse one day, but I changed.  I began to expect more, demand more.  I looked for opposition in co-workers, in friends and family and I went up against it.  If there wasn’t any validation, I took it to mean opposition.  Funny how power gets to you. I began feeling I always had to be involved.  No file could move without my meddling, no decision taken without me.  At home, I was the main person in my children’s lives and that was non-negotiable too.  If I was not centre stage, I was insecure.

I will not excuse myself.  I have all the reasons, all the excuses.  I had an abusive parent, I am the only survivor of my parental family.  I am a single mother and the only earning member… Let’s push it further.  Sob about it a bit, and sigh – such a lonely creature etc. etc.  So?  Truth is, I lost my balance and ran rough shod.

It took its toll on my health.  I tried meditating, I tried to disengage. I hated it and like a lapsed addict I went back for more involvement, ferociously.

The final straw was when I suffered a minor cardiac infarction in the end of 2012.  I discovered I was diabetic and had hypertension.  That was the time of introspection.  Oh how I love the term, introspection.  It is such a nice way to say, You’ve screwed up, dumb shit!

When I got back to office, two projects I loved had been given away.  It hurt a lot.  I lost relevance.

The boss explained that since I was ill, I should take it easy.  Logically I knew that he was being kind, but emotionally I felt demoted.  I needed to feel important, I needed people poking their heads into my cabin or calling me every five minutes.  I needed the validation.

At home I had been booted out of centre stage quite some time back.  The sons had their own lives, one had a wife, the other had a rocking social life, his own women friends.  I was the has-been, the ageing parent.

I wont lie.  It felt like shit.  I tried to jockey myself into centre stage at work but it did not work out.  I could not handle the stress at all.  At home, the boys firmly told me to take it easy.  They would not allow me to do much.

I threw myself into books, even bought a huge 42 inch television to drown into.  It did not work.  I wrote a very complex book that made no sense – even to me.  I still have it on my hard drive somewhere.  I began to write, the real kind of writing, pen on paper.  Small things, things that move me.  I began to simplify my life, eat healthy, go for walks.  I slept better.

And a week ago both the sons went to Panchkula for a couple of days for the Literary Festival.  I was terrified, so scared that I nearly tagged along.  They are all the family I have.  Work does not matter so much to me, status does not matter.  My little family does.  I did not know if I could handle their absence.  I nearly tagged along.  I quashed my feeling of vulnerability down and waved them off with a smile.  It was hard, and like a lapsed addict, I wanted praise for my courage.  I even made a pact with myself that I would ring them up just once a day, not more.  I am proud to say kept the pact.  I can disengage, thank heavens.

These days, I go through the work day without losing my cool.  My nerves thank me for it.  I get home from work without my mind buzzing with who-did-what and what-did-I-miss.  I do not agonize about other people’s pay packets and the cars they drive.  I’m just relieved that given the fact that I have less stress and work load, I have not been asked to accept a pay cut.

At home I eat simple wholesome food, early in the evening.  Then I sit and write.  Or I meditate, do whatever I want to.  I seem to gravitate towards calming stuff, peaceful stuff.  News does not charm.  Shopping does not bring joy.  I spend hours talking to the dogs at home.  They don’t get sassy or talk back.  I listen to gazals, audio books, podcasts.  The bone weary tiredness is gone, I sleep better.  I also feel better.  I like the person I see in the mirror, bright eyed and chirpy.  I smile more.  I’ve lost relevance, and I find I like the person I have become.