Human Things… and Their Feline Equivalent

Humans can be so puzzling. Some of their strange behaviors seem to defy explanation. But I’ve been taking notes since I’ve come to live here in August, and I figured the best way to explain some of these human things is in feline terms. I hope it helps your humans seem less mysterious!

This is the first installment of a running series!

Standing under running water, or soaking in a big tub of water.

Feline equivalent: bathing

Sometimes you have to feel sorry for humans. Because of their physical lacks, simple things like keeping clean become complicated procedures. Like taking a bath. We kitties merely use our tongues (and sometimes our teeth to get at the occasional knot or sore spot) and we’re good to go. Humans have neither our flexibility nor our barbed tongues — plus I hear that human saliva is actually kind of icky and toxic — so they must figure out other ways to clean themselves. I am not sure why they decided that water would do the trick, but that is exactly their purpose when they step behind the plastic curtain or glass door and turn those knobs. Crazy, isn’t it?

It gets even weirder. Because of the toxic nature of their saliva, humans have to use a different cleaning agent, so they invented this stuff that is full of chemicals and smells like fake foliage, fruit, or some fantasy they made up, and that’s what they use. They rub it all over themselves with a rag or a brush or plastic mesh thing so they can reach the areas that are difficult with their limited flexibility. Then they rinse it all off and that is what they consider “clean.” Except they still kind of smell like the chemicals.

But they aren’t done yet. Unlike when kitties bathe, they aren’t just a little bit damp — they are sopping, so they need to dry themselves off with a towel. And if they have lots of hair on their head and got it wet, they use a loud air machine to blow it dry. If they are like my human, this also involves the addition of more gels and the use of a big, round brush.

Are you exhausted yet? I am! For us cats, bathing and grooming in a nice sun puddle is a pleasurable, relaxing activity. Perhaps humans try to capture some of that when they are soaking in a tub, even though getting all wrinkly in a bunch of water seems like the antithesis of relaxing.

Of course, humans being humans, they think their way is better — which is why, when I’m getting ready for a show, I have to get a human-style bath. So I’ve bathed both human style and kitty style, and I can assure you, we kitties are the ones who are doing it right.
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Having problems with your human or the other cats in your house? As the internet’s “Dear Abby With Claws,” Sparkle had answers to many annoying problems in her two award-winning books! Visit her author’s page on Amazon to buy one or both of her awesome Dear Sparkle books!