She’s Back

You know, I kind of wish I could meet this woman. Enjoy.

So Begins Los Angeles and I am NOT Kidding:

Okay, so like last night? We finished mall shopping and I got this OMG TOTAL RAD and SUPER CUTE acrylic purple-sparkle sweater and wore that bitch home, found parking for my enormous (rad) car around midnight and for reals, the soothing mercury vapor lamp bathing the plastic fibers of my entire ensemble in its glow made me look like I was on fire. And I am on fire, okay? Meaning my life is BLOWING UP it’s so rad.

Now I’m online ordering multiple plastic figurines for each of your blog followers, just a small token of the TOTAL LOVE and jealousy, hostility and aggression I feel for people I’ve never met in person but who are all, oh, dude, my cow is like, so friendly it gives me milk and my sheep are knitting things and can you SMELL ME? PLUS! LOOK AT THIS HOUSE I BUILT! Oh my god. Hello, do you know what renting even IS? It means more time for shopping and TEXTING OBVIOUSLY. Oh my god. OKAY.

Anywho, so I am totally ordering stuff online PLUS I’m also reading about Hollywood celebrities and for real, who would date that guy because he doesn’t even make movies anymore plus? That girl is like, old. Oh my god. I just texted my friend all about that PLUS I’m maybe ordering takeout, plus TOTALLY updating Facebook and chillaxing in general. Also, OMG, so cute this cat video! SO FUNNY! Okay, listen to this goat. It’s screaming! WTF? I am dying.

Across the room the kids are TOTALLY staring at their multiple screens and game consoles and I could feel the unbridled joy of zombie-darkness coming off them in waves. “Aren’t you tired, girls?” I inquired. No reply. They are SO into it! SO CUTE! “Aren’t you tired, girls?”

“Shut up, mother,” they flipped me off in unison. “Thanks to your decision to liberate us from the tyranny of coming up with our own agendas, we just can’t get enough of this game: Kill All The People Dead with Deadly Weapons II.”

OMG, motherhood, AM I RIGHT?

In the kitchen, my boyfriend was making Molotov-Midori shots with melon liquor and gasoline. Edited to say: okay, dude? I don’t even know what dew IS and I can’t even parody that paragraph because WTF is he talking about? Oh my god. Anywho, we had green drinks and ciggies for dinner because I am totally losing weight and getting into my skinny pants. So over being big fat size two. WTF. YO. Also YOLO.

This morning we had MENTHOL cigarettes and coffee (with hazelnut-gingerbread-pumpkin spice non-dairy fat-free creamer) for breakfast and the coffee made itself because I went and got it at Starbucks. I was still wearing the purple sweater from last night and if you don’t know how HOT that is, that is HOT.

The girls didn’t come with me because they were on the seventy-third level of Dead People Dead and they shot everything they could because YO. Also YOLO.

So I get back and the girls are like, YO, MOM, what is for breakfast? And I’m all, um, I don’t know. Do I look like your servant? Am I supposed to go out and GATHER YOUR EGGS FROM THE STORE BY HAND? OMG, RUDE! I was all, YO, can’t you open a box of sugar cereal? And they are like, YO. And I am like YO. And then the older one said, your sweater is rad, Mom. So I go, I KNOW.

But then her sister is like, COME ONE I WANT TO GO TO THE DEADLY WEAPON SHOP AND RELOAD, FOOL, and I said, DO IT. YO. And I sat there losing weight with my coffee and watched my girls blow up this whole crazy rad building or country or SOMETHING on the shooter game and you are probably saying like, NO WAY but I am writing on this comment section to tell you: WAY. They did it. I swear to GAWD and LOL it doesn’t get any better.

So begins another day.