You Don't Have to Defend Yourself to Me...

I found myself saying that exact thing to a couple of my friends last week.  There was some gossip, which I didn't believe anyway, but they still felt they had to defend themselves to me.  I told them to stop.  They didn't need to.  Even if what I had heard was true, it was their business and had nothing to do with our friendship.

Funnily enough, however, I found myself in the exact same position this past Sunday.  I sometimes still receive e-mails from my ex-husband's soon-to-be ex-wife.  It's the same pattern.  Something happens (in this case my ex filed divorce papers) and I just knew I was going to hear from her.  And it always starts out the same way.  She's nice but when I don't "bite," it's like a switch turns on and the psycho that she is comes out in full force.  This time she started out with:

"I'm concerned about they lies (ex) has been feeding you.  I don't think he should be around Madelyne."  And then lists some pretty outrageous accusations against him.  Not that I'm his number one supporter, mind you, but the stuff she was accusing him of...well...let's just say if it was true, she could have easily gone to the police and had him arrested.  

As soon as she knew I didn't believe her, then she explodes:  "You obviously don't care about your daughter.  Great job mom of the year.  You better pray I never run into you because I have nothing left to lose.  (Ex) asked several people to kill you, chop you into pieces and torch you."

Well now, that's special.

The problem was, I found myself actually writing a response to her defending myself.  In the middle of my e-mail rant, I realized that I'm doing exactly what I told my friends not to do.  Do I care what she thinks of me?  No.  Do I care that she's threatened to kill me 8,000 times already?  No.  Is she crazy?  Yes.  So why did I care enough to defend myself?

I actually had a great conversation about this a couple of weeks ago with a social worker.  She said that a human's natural instinct is to defend oneself no matter to whom or about what.  Even if what that person is saying makes no sense, that reaction is always there.  It's like your body does it subconsciously and you don't have a choice.  However, you do have a choice to defend yourself or not.

I used to defend myself to everybody once upon a time.  I mean, I have 4-year-old daughter, divorced, 36 and living with my parents.  I used to be all Jerry Springer up in everyone's ass, "You don't know me!"   Don't get me wrong - I'm not perfect and never judge.  However, after everything I've been through in the past 4 years, I find it easier to step back and look at the entire situation.  And you know what I realized?  About 95% of the time, I was wrong when I judged too quickly.  

Obviously if you're in court on some bogus charges, well yes - that would be the time to whip out the defenses.  But when someone says something and it's so ludicrous or that person is just spiteful, that person doesn't deserve your time.

As time has gone by, I realized that the people who judged me don't know me at all and that's okay.  If you want to think I live with my parents, sit on my ass watching reality TV eating a bag of Cheetos all day, go for it.  Do you think that bothers me?  Not at all.