Erotic Advent by K.B Mallion
For crimbo
I bought a silky pair of knicks
Pillar box red
Just like my Revlon lips
Feeling festive
I am out for Christmas Eve
Father Xmas?
Nah…I’m not one to believe
Upon my bed
I laid out the clothes
I shall wear
Then I heard bells
I did not know from where
From my window
I look up on my roof
That is when I see
A lot of tiny hooves
I am thinking
‘What in holy shit?’
Ho Ho Ho
The voice of St. Nick
Is this a joke?
Am I on ‘You’ve Been Framed’?
I better be good
Not swear or misbehave
I turn around
On my bed is a surprise
A little box
I cannot believe my eager eyes
A little note
‘I am sorry, but I’ve swapped…
You can have these
For I liked yours a lot’
I open the box
Taking out what is inside
My disdain
I honestly cannot hide
The biggest pair
Of Y fronts you have ever seen
I cannot wear them
God knows where they have bloody been
I rush to my window
I shout up to my roof
‘Hey St. Nick’
Stop being a bloody goof’
All I see
Is my red, silky knicks
His arse squeezed into them
I actually feel sick
Why why why?
What a rotten thing to do?
St. Nick
That is exactly why I don’t believe in you
Tinsel Tits
I’m going to bring the festivities on with glee
Behave without an inch of dignity
I’m going to sing and stand on a chair
With bauble earrings and glitter in my hair
I’m going to drink an awful amount of Spiced rum
More than likely, spend a lot of time on my bum
I want to eat a load of yummy scrummy chocs
Sprouts with bacon bits, nice, give me the trots
I want to play games with the kids on the Wii
Kick everyone’s ass at ten pin bowling…yippee!
Wearing my saucy Santa suit is always a hit
To add a bit of bling, I put tinsel on my tits
Dancing stupidly around in my kitchen
Like I said, dignity and inhibition, I’m ditching
Making silly home movies, to cringe at later
My Glo’shire accent, will say hi, just you wait errr!
I will proudly embarrass my kids with festive flair
From my 19 year old, I’ll no doubt get a deadly stare
I want to sing xmas songs and Auld Lang Syne
Probably make up my own words due to mulled wine
There will be the xmas spirit within the air
Not just because of the candles burning everywhere
I’m going to pop party poppers and make a big mess
Spray silly string EVERYWHERE and not get stressed
I want me and my family to have a damn good time
You may get to hear all about it with another rhyme!
2014 © K.B Mallion
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