Three Tips to Diffuse Tension

Even the little annoyances can lead to big problems in relationships if we don’t slow down long enough to listen, respect one another, and work through the difficulties. If we take a little step back when things are feeling heated, we can diffuse the drama and ease the stress before things escalate into trouble and hurt.

Here are three tips I use to settle down before I start behaving badly. And the emotional space they help me create also provides greater clarity and compassion.

1. Shut-up and Listen. Alright, I’ll confess, I have a tendency to over-talk everything. So, I’m continually working on this one. Say what you must, then, just, shut-up. So many times relationship squabbles are a product of miscommunication or misunderstanding. But you aren’t going to clear those up without equal air time. When you spend time listening, (without rolling your eyes), you’ll gain clarity which will help you find resolution, or at least peace.

2. Pause, Breathe, Leave. So often, we are triggered by an event (or circumstances like we are tired and hungry) that sends us spiraling into bad behavior. Then, instead of being able to deal with the real issue, we have to mop up from the drama. When you feel things start to escalate, take a deep breath, and respectfully announce that you are going to take a timeout and will come back in five or 10 minutes to talk over the issue.

Don’t just storm off – this isn’t the time for door slamming —  but don’t come out too soon either. Go to a back bedroom or somewhere quiet. Take deep breaths and let the raw emotion diffuse a bit. The break will calm you both down so that when you come back you can lead with compassion and curiosity rather than contempt.

3. Take the View of an Outsider. Sometimes the best way through a conflict is to approach the dilemma as an outsider. When we can step out of the drama and look at the situation as a distant observer we are better able reason through it, according to research by Igor Grossmann and Ethan Kross.

Want a simple way to do this? Try talking to yourself about the conflict in third person, using your own name when evaluating the circumstances.

Any relationship is bound to have ups and downs. But, by becoming aware in the moment and taking simple steps to diffuse the difficult emotions you will be more likely to work through the stress than get caught up in it.

*portions of this post originally appeared in PsychCentral.com