9 Qualities Your Book Boyfriend Has That Your Real One Doesn't

Expectations Reality THREE DAYS UNTIL "The Charismatics" RELEASES.
Three days. Three DAYS. Did you order the e-book on Amazon yet? Did you buy a signed print copy here on my site yet?
To celebrate my book release, I've decided to write a fun post about guys. And books. Guys IN books. And how said guys can give us unrealistic ... expectations for how real-life men should act when it comes to our romantic interludes.
BUT FIRST: have you signed up for my Goodreads print giveaway? I have 421 people currently signed up, and I'd LOVE to see 500. That would be unreal. Also, don't forget to subscribe to my newsletter for your free copy of my short story, "Cruel," and a chance to win another print book of "The Charismatics" in early February.
Ahhhhh, book boyfriends ... HERE WE GO!
1. Book boyfriends never experience bodily functions.
Does Christian Grey, multi-millionaire and S&M extraordinaire, ever stink up a commode with his personal business? HELL NO. I don't even think Edward Cullen has the ability to use the bathroom. Oh, and he doesn't need sleep either. He just watches you in bed when you're conked out. 'Cuz that's not creepy.
2. They like classical/eclectic music.
Book boyfriends are drawn to dark, evocative tunes from another time and place--music written by composers and not "I got my mind on my money" and "Move bitch" and "Let's get wasted down by the river and ride some quads." (I swear every damn country song I accidently come across is about drinking Budweiser at the lake. Ew.)
3. They have hidden talents, like playing instruments and baking bread and starting rebellions.
Whether your book boyfriend is more of a softie (Peeta Mellark?! Kind of a wimp if you ask me, but I bet he makes a mean scone...) or lives to break the rules, he is bound to do something incredible and book-worthy.
He definitely wouldn't come home from a day at work, get undressed, throw his sweaty underpants on the freshly-washed bedspread, and proceed to do a "windmill" naked in your direction before stepping into the shower.
(Don't know what a windmill is? Consider yourself lucky).
4. They can do magic.
'Nuff said.
5. They're really really good in bed, and you don't have to worry about gonorrhea.
Book boyfriends know exactly where to kiss you, and exactly where to stay away from (not sure who sent the memo that we like wet-willies in our ears, but yeah ... please keep your tongue out of that orifice). They also never have diseases. So they obviously didn't attend my alma mater, ASU.
6. They save you from life-threatening situations.  
Be it a car swerving in your direction or a drunken guy trying to grope you, book boyfriends always swoop in to save the day. They are more than ready to fight for your honor and safety--and their muscles glisten and ripple in the sun as they do so.
7. They are mean to you because they secretly love you.
Mr. Darcy, anyone? In books, guys that have sour attitudes are only doing it to push you away--they know you're too good for them. Of course, this normally has the opposite effect ... and then he ends up being the broken bad boy you get to fix.
8. They are wealthy and from noble birth.
Noble birth can come in many different forms--prince, aristocratic family, wealthy upper-crust family, businessman, vampires who have accrued millions over the years ...
Basically, he's different. And that different is richer, and better. Better than the regular 'ol guy who's got only one throne--the one you get to clean on the weekends.
9. They love your weird, annoying, quirky imperfections.
Are you clumsy? He loves it (and probably catches you when you trip). Are you annoyingly talkative? He thinks it's endearing. Do you have a giant pimple on your chin? He's going to kiss it and tell you you're gorgeous. Are you farty and bloated from your period? He's going to buy you chocolates and put a heating pad on your belly and watch The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills with you while he massages your swollen feet. Book boyfriends LOVE to see us at our worst--they get off on it. Just one more way they can prove their perfection in all things.

SO there you go--9 ways that book boyfriends give us unrealistic expectations for what a relationship IN THE REAL WORLD should look like.
I wrote this mostly for fun, but since I'm *such* an expert on dating--let me leave you with a little kernel of truth. Real-life guys are not going to change, and neither of you. Not much, at least. So look for a man who treats you with care, cherishes you, encourages your endeavors, takes care of you--and do the same for him. If you both share a similar value system and are better off because you are together-- then that's the real dream.
And it's possible. Just be patient. And read "The Charismatics" while you wait.
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