Yes, Too Much Stuff

So all your comments were right.

I’m going to talk about why the scene was like it was, but none of this should be taken as a rationale for keeping the scene that way. I’m rewriting, I’m changing it (thank you very much for your feedback), the scene has problems and I’m fixing them. It is very tempting to say, “Well, I need this, so this has to be that way,” but that’s a cop-out. This is my book, I can write this any way I want, so trying to justify confusing writing by saying, “But I need to do this” is just another way of saying, “I don’t want to figure out a better way to get what I wanted while still giving the reader a good story.”

So here were my goals:

1. Introduce Cat as the Girl Who Fixes.

If people need something, they go to Cat because Cat not only knows how to get things done, she watches everything all the time.

Clearly that failed, so I’m on it.

2. Get the idea that there’s magic in this world up front.

I did that, but evidently it’s still confusing. I’m okay with people not knowing how Pansy and magic are related (although a couple of people got it YAY) because it’s explained in the very next scene, but I’m still worried about the confusion there.

3. Get Harry in there as Future Hero:

Again, I’m okay that some people didn’t pick up that he’s the One because it’s in Cat’s POV and she doesn’t know. I’m a little worried about that “well-muscled shoulder” bit being romance-speak, but I think she’d notice since she’s patting hard enough to distract him to the right while she’s picking his left hand pocket. And again, people not being sure is not a problem because it’s pretty much nailed in the next three scenes, all of which take place one right after another in the same place: Cat takes the wallet back to Maggie, Cat serves the table Harry’s at, Harry talks to his boss. That’s all within the first 2500 words of the story which is less than a first chapter for me.

So basically, I just had to get Harry on the page acting like a possible hero.

4. Set Monday Street up as location:

This one’s trickier. Monday Street is, as Cat says, in the bad part of the bad part of town, but the restaurant is excellent, so the rich from the North come down slumming. I was thinking of Harlem in thirties without really thinking about it in depth. So there’s a bouncer and Maggie’s lover has a table with his thugs and Maggie is not without special gifts, so there’s very little trouble at the Ear, but smart people arrive by cab at the front door and leave the same way.

I need to make that clearer. I don’t know if I can do it in the first bit, but I have to clear that up. Also, as Toni has pointed out, there’s no description in there. That’s because I hate description, but I agree that a couple of key things have to be in there and they have to be things that Cat would notice even though she’s worked there for twelve years. Four scenes later, I’m in Harry’s POV and he’s the new guy, and I can do better description there, but I think a couple of details will nail that down.

5. Establish the tone and mood:

Actually, I think I have that. I understand people not attaching to liars and thieves, but have you met the Dempseys and the Goodnights? I like the hectic, out-of-bounds feel of the first scene, the idea that this is a world in which anything can happen and Cat will fix it, and that this book is going to be snarky and fairly light but definitely amoral.

BUT I didn’t get Cat right on the page, so I think even though the tone is there, the protagonist isn’t, and that’s deadly.

So the contract I was trying to establish with the reader was:

This is a story about Cat who is driven to fix everything and who lives in a chaotic, colorful, amoral world that has magic as an everyday thing in it, and who is going to fall hard for Harry who is going to fall hard for her, in one of those oh-no-not-you romances. It’ll be a romantic fantasy alternate history with snark and no boundaries.

Obviously, I missed in a few places (g).

Here are your criticisms, boiled down to a list:

The first sentence is chaotic. Too many characters, people have to read several times to understand and some didn’t understand even after several reads. Too much info. Can’t figure out what people are doing. Don’t know who to pay attention to.

Yep. I wanted a first sentence you had to unpack, but not one you had to read three times and still not understand.

Not sure who POV character is, POV character doesn’t drive scene. Not sure what the scene is about.

This one surprised me, but after re-reading, I can absolutely see that’s true. I think because I could see what happens next, I assumed she’d come across as the most active, competent person in the room, but she actually pretty much stands there. Will fix.

(This, by the way, is one of the reasons it’s such a good idea to show JUST your first scene to beta readers. Readers forgive a lot if they find what they want in later scenes, but you really want your first scene to just nail it. This one, clearly, misses.)

Cat’s a thief and a liar, not likable. She reacts instead of acting. She gets lost in the scene.

Two things here: First, Cat’s gonna be a thief all the way through this book so if that’s a deal-breaker, this isn’t the book for you. On the liar part, she actually isn’t. Pansy is doing a wonderful job at what Cat wants her to do; she’s a terrible waitress, but she’s a terrific natural magic damper. Still, I may change that line so she doesn’t come across as a liar although it’s going to come across that way anyway when Pansy goes back to mangle the order at the table.

Second thing: She reacts instead of acting. Yep. Gotta fix that.

Pansy is confusing, much more sympathetic than Cat; if she’s not important, dial her back. Make it clearer that the flames go out because Pansy shows up. Pansy is the clearest character in the opening. Pansy has the only real trouble. The bruise is distracting. Why doesn’t Cat do something about it?

Pansy’s important, has her own subplot.

Cat doesn’t do anything about the bruise because Pansy’s working, the dessert cart is on fire, and she has to pick Harry’s pocket. She does a lot about it later, but I can’t get that in this scene. So do I have her not notice the bruise? Notice the bruise and not think about it but mention it later (which is cheating)? Not sure but I can see why it’s a turn-off for readers, so I think I’ll just delete the bruise. It’s distracting and Cat can see it later.

And yes I definitely have to make Cat stronger here.

Too many characters.

You have no idea. I didn’t mention Rafe, Keely, the Valden assassins, or Phil and his gang, all present also. But yes, I need to release that info in a different way because this is just confusing.

Location is confusing: chafing dish and a bouncer? Defense minister and a bouncer? Don’t understand Monday Street and the Ear.

This is always a huge problem for me because I don’t like description. A few telling details, yet, but stopping a story to describe anything–people, places, emotions, whatever–is like fingernails down a blackboard. Usually I can get the feel for the location in with a couple of words, but this one’s a nightmare: ritzy restaurant in the bad part of town with magic set in an alternate world in 1910. ARGH.

I’ll work harder.

The fire: Deliberate or accidental?

You know, this one I’m okay with. I think I need to make it clearer that the original fire started with the college boys, but then I’m good with leaving the mystery of why it went for the Defense Minister until Toni picks up the story. But definitely, make it clear that the boys started it and Pansy put it out.

Confusion about the pickpocketing: Cat touches him on the right to distract him from the left.

I’m not sure what to do about that since to explain would be clunky. Somebody mentioned that there was equal weight both on Cat patting his shoulder and on her taking the wallet, so maybe I just don’t say that she took the wallet and then in the next scene she gives it to Maggie? Hmmmm. I think that’s a great comment, that the writing gives equal attention to both so why isn’t Harry giving equal attention; the way you put action on the page is the way the people on the page perceive it. Must go back and find out who said that and give props.

The Ear is confusing as a name.

I’m okay with this. I know it looks like a typo, but I want the restaurant to be called Maggie’s Ear (because, that’s why) so I think the reader will just have to run with that one.

College boys: yes or no?

I just need to make it clear they started the fire.

Harry, Potter, and the Defense Minister. Really?

I did not see that. I don’t even think it was subliminal. The Defense Minister belongs to Toni’s plot, I looked up old-fashioned turn of the century guy names and that one jumped out (I love the name Harry, it was my grandpa’s name), and I wanted a low-class simple name for Cat. But ye gods. She’s Cat Gilford now. Harry and the Defense Minister stay, although we may end up giving him a name (TONI????) eventually. (Not my character, not my problem (g).

It doesn’t sound like a Jennifer Crusie.

If I wrote it, it’s a Jennifer Crusie.

So back to the drawing board. Or computer screen. This has all been excellent, thank you very much. As always, I am in your debt. Which doesn’t mean I won’t throw another scene at you later, of course. Hey, you show up here, expect to be exploited.